What Two Celibate Priests Taught Me about Mothering

I devoured books on motherhood in the months when I was pregnant with my first child. That was seven years ago. Since the addition of two more children, time has accelerated, flinging schedules, old hobbies, brain cells, and predictable anythings (like reading parenting books) to the fan. So when I come across parenting advice in places I don’t expect, I’m pleasantly surprised. In this case, a priest named Henri Nouwen, and another named Father Gregory Boyle.

Though I’m a long-time fan of Henri Nouwen, I hadn’t read this particular book, called Reaching Out, until last year when I began researching more about hospitality, community, and living out this upside-down faith in Jesus. In it, Nouwen, who himself was childless, tells parents that children are strangers who God has brought into our homes for a time.

He writes, “It may sound strange to speak of the relationship between parents and children in terms of hospitality. But it belongs to the center of the Christian message that children are not properties to own and rule over, but gifts to cherish and care for. Our children are our most important guests, who enter into our home, ask for careful attention, stay for a while and then leave to follow their own way. Children are strangers whom we have to get to know. It takes much time and patience to make the little stranger feel at home, and it is realistic to say that parents have to learn to love their children” (81).

My children are not “little Adams (my husband) and Leslies,” they are little strangers—they are unique individuals. These tiny guests are the first tier of hospitality in my home. Do they feel welcome?

In my holier moments I’m able to remember that my children fit the definition of the “least of these” Jesus calls his followers to serve in Matthew 25. My children are the neediest humans I know. And they live under my roof (practically under my feet and in my hair on most days). Do I serve them with the same level of dignity I might serve anyone else? Do I speak to them with respect? (The answer, sadly, is usually no.) When I feed, clothe, wash, and carry these little ones, I’m feeding, clothing, washing, and carrying Christ.

The other priest who illuminated the next few steps of this messy maze of motherhood was the author of Tattoos on the Heart, a potty-mouthed priest whom I absolutely adore. His latest book, Barking to the Choir had me crying and cackling aloud on every page. What struck me most was the revolutionary way he approaches his ministry with gang members, drug dealers, and those seeking a different life at his ministry, called Homeboy Industries.

Boyle writes, “Homeboy receives people; it doesn’t rescue them. In being received rather than rescued, gang members come to find themselves at home in their own skin. Homeboy’s message is not ‘You can measure up someday.’ Rather, it is: ‘Who you are is enough’” (84). Boyle says, “When we are disappointed in each other, we least resemble God. We have a God who wonders what all the measuring is about, a God who is perplexed by our raising the bar and then raising it even higher” (27).

I was surprised that my mind immediately applied his words to my children. Am I rescuing them or receiving them? Am I disappointed in them, raising the bar to impossible heights—or accepting them for who they are, affirming my belief that they are enough? Boyle’s central message is that the greatest conduit for God’s love is tenderness towards one another. Am I tender towards the littlest guests hunkering down in my home?

For Mother’s Day this year I took each of my kids out for a date. (Last year, my greatest wish for Mother’s Day was to be alone All. Day. Long., but this year I had a change of heart.) At one point, my four-year-old daughter turned from her dandelion-seed-blowing to say, “I know I’m your favorite.” While my first thought was to panic because Am I showing favoritism?, my second thought was that I want to make it my goal to lead each of my kids to believe they are the favorite.

In the coming year, I hope my kids will feel more singled-out, adored, and received for who they are. I pray they’d know their value isn’t tied to what they do, but to who they are as beloved children of God. I know I need to believe this for myself as well: God is tender towards us, receives us, and welcomes us as strangers. We—each one of us—are God’s particular favorite.

*This post includes Amazon affiliate links

April 9, 2018April 9, 2018

No More Fear for Kids~Interview with Author, JoHannah Reardon + Book Giveaway

I’ve always been fascinated by peering “behind the scenes.” Before a show, I always hope to glimpse the actors and catch them being ordinary people. I think most of us are interested–why else would we sit and watch hours of “extras” about the shows, movies and lives of cast members we love? Books are no different. I’m so curious about what inspires us to write and the process each of us takes. In this interview, author JoHannah, a friend of mine at Redbud Writer’s Guild, takes us behind the scenes of her newest book, a 40-day family devotional on fear for kids around age 8-12. But even if you don’t have kids, JoHannah has some fabulous lessons to share about how she has conquered fear in her life.

If you love free books like I do, be sure to read to the end for instructions on how to win a copy of this book!

1. Why did you write No More Fear for Kids?
I have battled a lifetime of fear and anxiety that began in childhood. I was afraid of everything and didn’t know how to process that fear. When I became a Christian, I knew the answer was in Christ, but I didn’t know how that translated into my day-to-day living. It wasn’t until I took 40 days to give up fear that I realized the stranglehold it had on me. With that in mind, I wanted to help kids get a head start on dealing with their fears when they are young. I could have avoided a lot of angst if I’d dealt with my fear much earlier in life.

2. Why 40 days to give up fear?
I did not attend a church that practiced Lent, but I worked with many people who did. I thought it would be useful to examine any habits that I knew I needed help with. So for a couple of years, I gave up food and media as everyone else I knew did, but one year I decided to pray about what I should give up. I felt as strongly as I’ve ever felt anything that I was to give up fear. That 40-day journey was absolutely life changing and broke a pattern that had dominated my life from as far back as I could remember.

3. What approach does your book No More Fear for Kids take to overcoming fear?
The 40 days of giving up fear taught me that I had a warped view of God. Since that time, I’ve been meditating on who God truly is. Knowing his good and loving character has helped me to trust him with all that happens in my life and world. In No More Fear for Kids, I stress these characteristics of God, as well as wrestle with what it means that God is a judge, that I should fear him, and that he does get angry. By understanding that I don’t have anything to fear from God has been huge in my journey away from fear and anxiety. So, by closely examining God’s attributes, I found that he was faithful and that giving up fear was simply believing that and trusting him with my life.

My hope in No More Fear for Kids is that children will gain a healthy understanding of God and realize that he loves them beyond measure, giving them a safe harbor no matter their fears and anxieties.

My hope in No More Fear for Kids is that children will gain a healthy understanding of God and realize that he loves them beyond measure, giving them a safe harbor no matter their fears and anxieties.

Click To Tweet

A. W. Tozer said that what we believe about God is the most important thing about us. By giving kids a right view of God’s attributes, their fears are put into perspective.

4. Is simply knowing who God is enough to overcome fears?
Good question. Before I started my 40-day journey, I knew God’s attributes intellectually. However, I hadn’t engaged my emotions in relation to his attributes. In the vein of Christianity I grew in, emotions were considered unimportant and even unnecessary. I was taught to put emotions aside and just go with what I knew to be true. So much about this is good and necessary; yet, it caused me to so disconnect with my emotions that I denied them. I decided I wasn’t afraid, even though I was terrified all the time. That’s why taking 40 days to just concentrate on my emotions of fear and anxiety were so important. I had to face those emotions head on by acknowledging them and by realizing God was trustworthy enough to deal with whatever was causing me terror. That experience with God was what caused a breakthrough for me.

5. Since you gave up fear, have you had any relapses?
I had one relapse when my husband was gone on a trip. I heard some noises in the night and felt the old panic begin to rise. I sat up in bed with all the old fears pouring in on me. But then, I felt angry—angry at Satan for throwing this old pattern of fear at me again. I said aloud, “No, Satan! I am not doing this again.” The fear lifted and I went peacefully back to sleep.

Then when I released No More Fear: 40 Days to Overcome Worry, my adult devotional, and No More Fear for Kids, I began to (ironically) fear that I had just found something simple to placate my emotions and that I couldn’t really offer help to anyone. But that week, a couple of men murdered someone in the town next to mine. They fled to my neighborhood and a massive search occurred. As the police examined every shed, camper, and nook or cranny a person could hide, general panic took over those in my town. People called me and told me I could come stay with them until these men were caught. I was elated when I realized I didn’t feel even an iota of fear. I would rather face armed murderers than return to the prison of fear I’d been locked in for so long.

6. What do you hope a child will come away with after reading No More Fear for Kids?
First of all, I hope a parent doesn’t just hand the child this book and let them read it on their own. It’s designed for discussion between the parent and child, giving the child an opportunity to talk about their fears and misconceptions about who God is. That said, for each child who spends 40 days in my book, I pray the following: that they will be able to identify their fears and rest them one by one at Jesus’ feet, knowing he will banish them. That their experience with God is so powerful they would rather face the worst life can throw at them than return to a life of fear and trembling. That their relationship with Christ becomes so real and palpable that it will affect every part of their lives and permeate it with inner peace—for years to come.

BOOK GIVEAWAY: WIN A FREE COPY OF NO MORE FEAR FOR KIDS

To win, be sure you’re signed up for my newsletter, then tag up to four friends on my Instagram post about this book who you think might be interested in reading this. I’ll enter you one time per new friend you tag. I’ll announce the winner on Instagram on Monday, April 16. Sorry, no bots and only U.S. residents!

BUY No More Fear for Kids from Amazon.

More About JoHannah:

JoHannah Reardon was a Christianity Today editor for nine years. In that time she built and managed their Bible study site, ChristianBibleStudies.com. She also served as an editor for Today’s Christian Woman and Gifted For Leadership (now CTWomen and WomenLeaders). She currently serves as the senior editor for The Redbud Post and is the author of 14 books, including devotionals and novels. Although she loves her work, her favorite things in life are teasing her husband, annoying her children, and spoiling her grandkids. Find out more about JoHannah and her books at johannahreardon.com. Follow her on Twitter, Facebook and Pinterest.

***

Our theme for April is “Books and Writing,” and I hope to share my favorite books, podcasts and resources for new writers. Click here if you’re new to the series and want to catch up on old posts. Be sure to follow me on social media and sign up for my newsletter below so you can be alerted of new posts. Please get in touch at scrapingraisins (dot) gmail (dot) com if you are interested in guest posting on this topic!

Sign up for the Mid-month Digest and Secret Newsletter Here:

**This post includes Amazon affiliate links

March 19, 2018March 20, 2018

Why I’m Not Using “Resurrection Eggs” with My Littles

The “resurrection eggs” I ordered online arrived late last year, so I didn’t open each colored plastic egg before my two and four year olds did. Sitting cross-legged on the carpet, we opened them all at once. I grew increasingly uneasy as we continued. Opening the green egg, my daughter pulled out a whip.

“What’s this?” she asked. My son immediately tried to steal it from her and she clutched it to herself.

“It’s a whip. Bad men whipped Jesus with this. Let’s look at the story book,” I said, hoping for guidance. The picture demonstrated what a whip does.

The next egg, the yellow egg, was innocent enough—a rooster stood for Peter denying Jesus, but when it was my two year old’s turn again, I felt ill when she opened the orange egg and pulled out a tiny, doll-sized crown with spikes—the crown of thorns. With her big blue eyes and wispy blond hair, she looked to me again to explain this interesting object to her.

How could I begin to tell a two year old about the violence Jesus endured? And did I even want to? Was it necessary at such a young age to know?

At this stage in my children’s life, they didn’t even know to accuse someone of being “dumb” or “stupid.” They didn’t know the word “hate” until this past year, so shattering their innocence about humanity’s capabilities for evil felt like a conversation I wasn’t prepared to have.

“My turn, my turn!” my son said, reaching for the light green egg. Inside was a shiny metal nail. I flipped ahead to the last few pages just so I’d know if any other torture devices would appear that I’d have to explain to my tiny children.

The last objects were a spear, a tiny linen cloth, and a stone, but in the picture, the Caucasian angel is sitting on top of the stone and two Middle Eastern-looking soldiers lie dead in front of the tomb. I didn’t remember Jesus (or the angel) murdering the guards when he rose from the grave to save us all, but the story goes that they fell down in fear “as though dead.”

For the first time in my life, I grasped the violence of this story Christians tell over and over again as I saw it through the eyes of my children. In fact, since I’ve become a parent, I’ve cringed at the Bible stories we regularly teach our children. I’ve become aware of my own hypocrisy, because while I won’t even let them watch certain tame kid shows because there is a slight bit of ninja fighting, I teach them about murder on a weekly basis through all the classic Sunday school stories.

I thought through the litany of stories my children have already been exposed to: David and Goliath (a small boy kills a giant with a stone), Noah (everyone in the world who doesn’t listen to Noah and get in the ark drowns), Joshua (the Israelites circle the city, then shout and invade, presumably killing everyone), Daniel (he’s thrown into a den with blood-thirsty lions), Isaac (Abraham is about to sacrifice his own son when God saves him—try explaining THAT one to your four year old son).

When I picked up my daughter from Bible study the week before Easter, I cringed when I saw the “craft” they had made. On pre-made paper hands, my daughter had dipped her fingers in red paint and put her finger print on the palms of the paper hands. Her “craft” was to paint blood on the hands of Jesus where his hands were pierced with nails. I should have said something to her teacher, but I didn’t. She smiled and waved bye to us. “Have a great Easter!” she said happily.

Sometimes I wonder if children who grow up going to church are more desensitized to violence than other children because we expose them to it from such a young age. Talk of whips, nails through hands, thorns crushing someone’s forehead and blood spurting out become such common scenes that they don’t grasp the actual horror of murder and crucifixion.

So this Easter we’re not doing the resurrection eggs. Though the box says “3 and up,” they are not G rated or even PG rated, so we’ll wait until they are old enough to hold an object of torture in hands that are not so tiny. I want my kids to be horrified and sickened by evil, hatred, and violence, not immune to it like I have become.

I want my kids to be horrified and sickened by evil, hatred, and violence, not immune to it like I have become.

Click To Tweet

For this Easter, I ordered a book without pictures, called Good Dirt: Lent, Holy Week & Easter Tide. Though it’s still geared towards slightly older kids and talks about the death of Jesus, it is more focused on the joy of resurrection than on the mutilation of Jesus at the cross.

Just a few weeks after 17 teenagers were murdered by a young boy with an assault rifle at a Florida high school, my three year old daughter will not be holding weapons in my home this Easter—even doll-sized ones. This year, we will simplify Easter to palm branches and Easter egg hunts, candy and celebrating new life, songs, dances and ringing bells as despair gives way to the empty tomb and hope.

When and how do you teach your children about the crucifixion in an age-appropriate way?

***

Thank you for meeting me here in this space. The theme for March is “Simplify,” so you can start here to read posts you may have missed. If you are a writer or just a person with words burning in your soul and are interested in guest posting, email me at scrapingraisins@ gmail (dot) com. I’m looking for personal stories on this theme in the 500-1000 word range. If you haven’t yet, be sure you sign up for my mid-month and monthly secret newsletter for the latest posts and even some news, discount codes and book giveaway information that only Scraping Raisins subscribers get!

Sign up for the Mid-month Digest and Secret Newsletter Here:

**Contains Amazon affiliate links

Why I'm Not Using Resurrection Eggs with My Littles: "Sometimes I wonder if children who grow up going to church are more desensitized to violence than other children because we expose them to it from such a young age."

March 7, 2018March 7, 2018

Mom Fail #3,477

I forgot pajama day. I picked my son up from preschool (*yes, we started preschool in January) last week and I watched, horrified, as all the children filed out of the classroom wearing PJ’s. My son came out wearing jeans with torn knees and a batman T-shirt. Now, on the scale of world catastrophe/human suffering/poverty, this ranks low, but when your full-time job is mothering, then missing PJ day at school feels like ultimate failure.

My husband dropped him off at school and neglected to mention it to me, probably because he knew I would have rushed back to school with PJ’s for my son. But instead of telling my son how terrible I felt, that I was an awful mother, and I’d make it up to him by buying him ice cream, I waited to see if he’d mention it. He didn’t. I looked at his little face, scrutinized it for sadness and saw a happy little boy with a construction paper craft dripping with glue in his hand. Phew, deep emotional scars averted. I hoped.

I don’t know if it’s because I used to feel capable and reliable—in my pre-kid days, I mailed notes to friends, called my nieces and nephews on their birthdays, sent out Christmas cards, and brought meals to new moms. But something about having three children has made me the worst friend, housekeeper, wife, neighbor, cook, and Christian person. And it’s not even making me the best mom. I win at nothing. Guilt strangles me at every turn.

I took the kids on a walk in the afternoon, pushing my one year old in the stroller as the other two kids rode far ahead on the sidewalk. I didn’t even feel nervous that they were out of sight because the roads in our city have such wide shoulders.

Moving from Chicago with her narrow lanes, Colorado’s wide roads used to feel strange and unnatural to me, but now I’m thankful for the extra space. As I thought about this, something hit me.

Mothers are gifted with wider roads. We are given the largest margins possible that allow us to veer off the sidewalk and not get run over because of our carelessness. God gives mothers more space.

There are times in life when we will be able to make meals for friends, send Christmas cards with hand-written notes, lead book clubs and groups at church, teach Sunday school, be the room mom, the soccer coach or the friend who watches friend’s kids on a regular basis, but these years when we have tiny kids at home are not those times.

Last year I went to an elaborate Christmas party put on by a friend.

“I wanted to do a party, too, but when I saw you were throwing one, we decided to just come to yours,” I said, embarrassed by my laziness.

She looked at me hard.

“I would have never attempted a party like this when my kids were little like yours,” she said. “I just started doing this last year when my youngest turned eight.”

It’s taken me nearly six years, but I am ready to say yes to support, self-forgiveness, and grace, and no to guilt. I’m ready to stop comparing myself to the super mom I think I should be and accept the human-person-with-limitations that I am.

I’m ready to stop comparing myself to the super mom I think I should be and accept the human-person-with-limitations that I am.

Click To Tweet

And I’m ready to let myself off the hook, put my achievements, abilities, and education in storage for the season, and pat myself on the back for getting dinner made, children clothed, occasionally bathed, and teeth brushed (okay, so my husband mostly does the teeth).

Yes, I forgot PJ day. But if my son reads this one day, I hope he doesn’t hold on to all of my missteps and foibles, but remembers how I read him books, sang him songs, let him “help” make waffles, tickled him relentlessly, danced with him in the kitchen, told him about Jesus, took him to parks and museums, and occasionally even got down on the floor and pretended to be a wolf, tiger or octopus caught in hot lava.

If you are on the other side of this season and see one of us at the grocery store wrangling our one, two, three or more kids in the cart, will you please smile at us? And will you tell us something we really need to hear?

Can you please say, “Mama, you’re doing a GREAT job.”

At any rate, I know God sees me, holds my guilt and smooths my hair like the tender Father he is, whispering as I fall asleep, “I know, honey. I know you feel bad, but I also know you’re doing the best you can. And you know what? That is more than enough.”

***

[*Aside: For those of you thinking, “Wait, I thought they weren’t doing preschool this year” … turns out my very structured little boy didn’t appreciate my free spirited/unstructured/spontaneous ways, and afternoon preschool three days a week during the (theoretical) naptime of the other kids = a (theoretical) break for me. I still follow too many #unschooling moms on Instagram, though, wishing I were that mom … wait, this post was supposed to be about letting go of mom guilt/comparison … and I’m actually off Instagram for Lent, so that helps 😉 ]

Sign up for the Mid-month Digest and Secret Newsletter Here:

Mom Fail #3,477. "I’m ready to stop comparing myself to the super mom I think I should be and accept the human-person-with-limitations that I am." --Leslie Verner

May 11, 2016February 25, 2018

Three Children is a Bad Idea (and why we’re doing it anyway)

If you make a pro/con list about whether or not you should have a third child, I guarantee you the answer will be no. I know, because I actually wrote that list.

On the con list? It’s more expensive to travel. You need a larger table at every restaurant and a bigger car. There’s less parent (time/energy) to go around. You’ll need more college money. And you have to change your parenting strategy from “man-to-man” to “zone” defense.

There really is no logical reason to have more than two children—especially if you already have one boy and one girl like I do.

But when you take a good look at the pros, you’ll find that though there are far less of them, they are weighted differently than the cons. How can “new life” or “a soul” not be a better reason to try for a third than any other monetary or convenience reason?

Don’t get me wrong. Three is not for everyone. Honestly, I was more of an “even-numbers only” gal, myself. Growing up as one of three siblings, one person is inevitably left out. The phrase “three’s a crowd” was coined for a reason.

But after having two kids, I still felt that spooky “someone is missing from our family” feeling. Since negotiating with my husband for two more kids (and so arriving at my “even number”) was a tougher sell than just one, I conceded to “just” three kids. Five months later, we were staring down at a faint pink line on our dollar store pregnancy test, excited, but going into it all with eyes wide open, wondering how we were going to handle yet another one.

If you’re in the market for three, here are some of the reasons that have helped me overcome the overwhelming list of “cons” you may be staring at on your pro/con list right now.

1. Three is a small “big family”

Large families are boisterous and lively. “I’m bored” moments are rare because there is always someone to play with (or annoy). Your family is the party. So three is a nice compromise for having a big family without having a huge family. Having three kicks you up from the 1-2 category of families to the 3-4 category which equals more chaos, but more life and bustle.

2. One of my children will have a same-sex sibling

I would love for my daughter to have a sister. Growing up with two brothers, I always wished I had one. But if we have another boy, a wise friend of mine pointed out that it is often more difficult for men to find friends later in life (especially after marriage), so having a brother is a built-in guarantee that they will always have a male friend in the world. As for being left out, the one sibling who doesn’t have a brother or sister will get to brag to their friends about how understanding they are of the opposite sex because they had TWO brothers or TWO sisters.

3. More chances my husband and I will be cared for in our old age

Though it’s not generally something we think about during our young-ish child-bearing years, one day we will get old and need help. And with western society spinning with a surprisingly fast centripetal force, flinging our families farther and farther apart, the more children we have that will still be close enough to care for us in our feeble years, the better.

4. We get one more chance at perfection

Poor, poor first born child. Son, we had no idea what we were doing and you were essentially an experiment for us in parenting. We only pray that we did not screw you up beyond repair by all of our failed experiments.

But with number three, hopefully we have learned a thing or two and have a chance to incorporate our wisdom and experience into raising a more obedient, compliant and calm child (insert sarcasm).

5. Life is “supersized”

When we had our second child, we felt like the work didn’t just double, but increased exponentially. I’m not naive enough to believe that going from two to three will be any different.

But just as the grunt work, sleeplessness, frustrations, anxieties and stressors have increased, so have all the counterparts. The giggles, dance parties, hugs, kisses, snuggles, invented words, and heart-bursting love have also increased right next to the difficult parts.

~~~

Although I am not quite as idealistic and swoony as I was with my first pregnancy, I’m still in awe that I get to experience this mystery one more time. Even now, my little one is kicking in my belly and reminding me that I will never regret choosing life. Though we still haven’t chosen a name for our son, God has always known what he will be called.

Three is not logical. But I’ve always been more of a believer in going with your gut than with logic anyway. So if you feel like you want a third–why not? Rip up the pro/con list. Your life is probably chaotic already, so really you’re just adding more life to the party (or more party to the life…).

~~~

Sign up for my Mid-month Digest and Secret Newsletter Here:

Tag: parenting

What Two Celibate Priests Taught Me about Mothering

No More Fear for Kids~Interview with Author, JoHannah Reardon + Book Giveaway

BOOK GIVEAWAY: WIN A FREE COPY OF NO MORE FEAR FOR KIDS

Sign up for the Mid-month Digest and Secret Newsletter Here:

Why I’m Not Using “Resurrection Eggs” with My Littles

Sign up for the Mid-month Digest and Secret Newsletter Here:

Mom Fail #3,477

Sign up for the Mid-month Digest and Secret Newsletter Here:

Three Children is a Bad Idea (and why we’re doing it anyway)

Sign up for my Mid-month Digest and Secret Newsletter Here:

Welcome to Scraping Raisins!