Tag: Scraping Raisins

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How Can We Show Hospitality to Different Enneagram Types?

I met Lisa Russell, an Enneagram coach and spiritual counselor, for drinks a few weeks ago. Before meeting, I had thought we would discuss how each Enneagram type practices hospitality.

“Why don’t we talk about how we can show hospitality to each Enneagram type instead?” she suggested, taking a sip of her drink. “That seems less self-focused and more empathetic to me.”

Lisa described the Enneagram types as differing shades on a color palatte—there can be many shades of blue, green, and grey.

We often know about ourselves, but what happens when we become students of others?

How does this transform our communication, community, and hospitality to each Enneagram type? Here are some ideas for understanding and loving individuals as we show hospitality to each Enneagram type in our life (along with a collection of quotes from some of my social media friends.)

Type 1: The Reformer (rational, idealistic, perfectionistic, principled)

According to Lisa, this type is caught up in “holy goodness.” They believe God is good and they want to be right. They have a strong inner influence and the mantra “am I good enough?” often goes through their minds. Type Ones often hold themselves to a higher standard. To welcome a One to your home, have things structured and lined up for them.

M.W. : “Invite me into your fun. Help me play!”

Jacob Robinson: “Showing “hospitality” to a One is a tough ask because of the perfectionist standards. Thus, as a One, I don’t really need “hospitality’ but friendship.”

Annie Rim: “Having a really sweet/personal detail is the best. At dinner, a bottle of wine with a story behind it. As a house guest, a bar of soap or something thoughtful. Anytime someone has done that, I’ve felt especially seen and welcomed.”

Type 2: The Helper (caring, generous, interpersonal, possessive)

As a Type Two herself, Lisa had many thoughts about how to show hospitality to helpers. When you host, Twos are usually the first ones to offer to wash your lettuce or set the table. But sometimes what the Two needs is permission to receive instead of give. They sometimes need to be given “space and time to recharge and rejuvenate and have solitude.” They want to be able to serve out of overflow, not obligation. They want to feel loved for being, not doing.

Andi Cumbo-Floyd: “Hospitality to me is often making it known that I’m wanted just for me, not for the help I can bring.”

Abby Norman: “Either give me a task or tell me everything is taken care of.”

Tanya Marlow: “I like it when people give me quality time and we have a chat about emotions and Real Stuff. I also like it when people ask me for wisdom that will help them out, especially if they’re in crisis. “

Type 3: The Achiever (success-oriented, driven, image-conscious)

To show hospitality to a Three, Lisa advised being punctual and sticking to the set time. Threes get antsy with inefficiencies in gatherings. They appreciate being praised and affirmed for what they can bring to the table. Lisa mentioned a dinner she attended where the host prepared name cards in advance. On the back of each card, the host had written encouragement in the form of “I see this in you” for each specific person. Lisa thought the Type Three would feel especially loved by this gesture.

Sue Fulmore: “The times I have felt most seen and loved is when someone asks questions which help me get more in tune with my emotions. Those people that listen with their whole heart and seek to understand me – this is where I feel most welcome.”

Marci Yoseph: “I want you to sit with me and give me the space/time to sit and relax. If you are up doing stuff I feel obligated to be up and productive too. I need permission to just sit.”

Type 4: The Individualist (sensitive, expressive, dramatic, self-absorbed)

Type Fours “feel all the feels.” Lisa recommended allowing Fours the space and freedom to experience their feelings without shame. They often long for the space to express themselves and have perhaps experienced rejection for their sensitivity. To show hospitality to a Type Four might look like inviting them to share their unique gifts.

F.J. : “Take time to understand me. Be happy to see me. Pursue me. No small talk—only meaningful talk.”

A.M. : “Ask me questions and listen well. Put pretty flowers in my room.”

Type 5: The Investigator (cerebral, perceptive, innovative, isolated)

Lisa said the best way to show hospitality to a Five is to give them space. They tend to be more introverted and sometimes need to isolate and cave up. They appreciate knowing what to expect in advance. They often need to get to a meeting early and observe. But just because they linger on the margins doesn’t mean they don’t want to be invited.

Adam Verner (my husband): “Hand me a good book and tell me to go into another room by myself for three hours before joining the crowd.”

M.D. : “It’s not always easy to articulate deep feelings when you live in your head 99.99% of the time. Having someone who makes it calm, safe, and ok for you to unravel yourself is critical … I need room and empathy to unravel and rewind and figure it out. I need demonstrated empathy which often can mean a strong hug and quality time or asking me specifically about how I am regarding an issue you know I’m struggling with or working through. Presence. I simply need presence.”

Type 6: The Loyalist (committed, security-oriented, responsible, anxious)

Sixes often have a million plans in order to be prepared for the worst case scenario. Lisa mentioned they have the “Mary Poppins bag” of resources “just in case.” They need reassurance that things will be okay. To show hospitality to a Type Six, offer them security, stability, and consistency by following through with promises you make.

A.S. : “Be consistent with invites to hang out. Not with an agenda, but just to chill.”

A.K. : “Consider my children’s needs too. It makes me feel like all of the bases are covered so we can relax and talk.”

Juliana Gordon: “If there is a party, make sure there is plenty of seating so I can make the crowd smaller.”

Cara Strickland: “I love it when people let me know what to expect in advance/anticipate concerns I might have.”

Type 7: The Enthusiast (busy, fun-loving, spontaneous, scattered)

Lisa described this type as the “Joyful Epicurean.”  She said they love to go all out and indulge. They are always worried they’ll be deprived and often suffer from FOMO (Fear of Missing Out). What Type Sevens need from their hosts is permission to be spontaneous and fun-loving. They want friends to join them in their joyful spontaneity.

Jamie Bagley: “Let me know it’s okay to curl up on the sofa with a blanket or prop my feet up. Also, offering me tea and talking about all things quirky or deeply philosophical is the way to my worn out heart. Cookies help, too.”

Roxanne Engstrom: “I love when families from other cultures invite me to go places with them or do things that they are doing to celebrate religious or cultural moment. And my love language is also food, lots of ethnic food.”

Type 8: The Challenger (self-confident, confrontational, decisive, willful)

Type Eights are strong and powerful. They appreciate honesty and “have a nose to sniff out BS,” Lisa said. They don’t like empty flattery or appreciate people gushing over them. To show hospitality to a Type Eight might look like giving them an opportunity to lead and make decisions. They enjoy people bringing confrontation into the group and feel it’s live-giving.  

Courtney Skiera-Vaugn: “If someone were to just take charge and allow me not to have to lead – start the convo, have coffee ready, show up and serve without me asking or even agreeing to (a dear friend did this the other day knowing I was super busy, she showed up, took my kids, loaded my dishwasher and made me coffee IN MY HOME.)”

E.D.: “Invite me into a trusting environment. A few friends goes a lot further than a ton of people.”

Type 9: The Peacemaker (easygoing, agreeable, complacent, people-pleaser)

Lisa said Nines are similar to Sixes in that they need to know that they will be okay. They often camouflage themselves and blend in to please others, so they may need to be drawn out with questions like, “What do you really think?” They may need prodding to do something that engages their body like hiking or going for a walk.

Mallary Covington: “People can show hospitality to me by engaging in good conversations. I love asking good questions and listening, and also love it when people ask me good questions and listen to me in return. Something that makes me feel super disconnected from others is when people ask questions but don’t actually want a real answer. Also, keeping an environment low key and low stress really makes me feel welcome and comfortable.“

A.U.: “Make me know I’m really wanted there and that you are ok with me being there. I crave deep conversations, however I always worry that if I talk about something deeper than the weather that I’m rocking the peace.”

***

Although we are each unique, most of the responses I heard sang a similar tune. Most people feel loved when they are welcomed to be themselves. To do this, we put aside our phones and encourage our guests to relax. We arrange smaller groups, ask good questions, and listen for the answers. We affirm our belief that the person we are talking to right then is the most engaging and important person in the room.

About Lisa Russell:

Lisa is a spiritual counselor and Enneagram coach at Restoration Counseling in Fort Collins, Colorado. She teaches large group workshops and team and individual counseling on the Enneagram. Visit the Restoration Counseling website for more details or to sign up for an Enneagram coaching session.

More on the Enneagram:

Enneagram Institute Website (has a test and descriptions of the different types)

Typology Podcast

That Sounds Fun Podcast with Annie Downs series on the Enneagram

The Sacred Enneagram: Finding Your Unique Path to Spiritual Growth, by Christopther L. Heuertz

The Road Back to You: An Enneagram Journey to Self-Discovery, by Ian Morgan Cron and Suzanne Stabile

Invited: The Power of Hospitality in an Age of Loneliness releases August 13. Pre-order now and you will be eligible for some outstanding pre-order bonuses.

Sign up for my newsletter and I’ll send you Chapter 1 of Invited: The Power of Hospitality in an Age of Loneliness:

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Maybe You Shouldn’t Write That Book

Statistics tell us that 81 percent of people want to write a book in their lifetime. Since I wrote my own book, many friends in real life have confessed their secret desire to write a book of their own. Other online friends in writing groups ask questions about how to format their book proposals, query agents, or build their platform.

I often get asked the how. “How did this come about? How did you know what to write? How did you actually write it?” But before addressing the how of writing a book, individuals would benefit from musing over the question of why?

Why do you want to write a book–and why now?

When I wrote my book, I was 39 years old and had a one, three, and five-year-old at home. None of my kids were in school. Although my husband takes full responsibility for praying that book into existence, I still wrestle with my choice to write a book during an already full-to-the-brim time of life. Did it pour life into me and my family, or siphon off joy, peace, and family harmony? Why did I need to write it then?

Over the past few years as a blogger, book launch team member, and book reviewer, I’ve read many non-fiction books written by various authors with different publishers. As a writer, editor, and writing teacher, I have two thoughts:

1. Many books would benefit from better editing. While I’ve read some fabulous books, many that I read were too long, too wordy, or not structured well. Publishers are busy and editors have too much on their plate. Editors don’t have time to struggle back and forth with an author to get it just right. If you are writing a book, I recommend setting aside a portion of your advance to hire your own writing coach. The classics became classics because they had outstanding editors (see The Artful Edit).

2. Many people write their books too soon. We are eager to birth our stories into the world, but many of them are born prematurely. We harvest the gardens of our lives long before they have come to full bloom. Patience should be the writer’s greatest virtue. Our stories usually benefit from a longer time in the ground, on the stalk, or growing on the vine.

Last week my kids and I watched the 2016 animated film Leap about an orphan who becomes a ballerina in Paris (love me a good dancing movie). Throughout the film, her mentor asks her, “Why do you dance?” She doesn’t know, doesn’t have a good answer. Until the end. It is only when she internalizes her “why” that her dancing demonstrates the passion, grace, and conviction required to take her from average to extraordinary.

Some writers claim that writing is their calling. I wrestle with the concept of “calling” because I believe we over-spiritualize and amass undue weight to “Our Call.”

Instead of thinking of writing as my calling, I think of it as my compulsion. Writing is this thing I can’t not do. It’s this thing that helps me illuminate what I ultimately believe about myself, God, and the world. It attunes me to wonder in the world and invites mystery into my ordinary days. Writing–in my journal or for an audience–works out the kinks in my psyche and soul in a way just pondering or talking about those things can’t quite do. Writing, for better or for worse, is an addiction. A compulsion. A need.

I recently finished reading the compelling memoir When Breath Becomes Air by Paul Kalanithi, a neurosurgeon diagnosed with lung cancer who died before completing the manuscript. When he finally resigned from his work at the hospital, he poured all the rest of his creative energy his last year of life into “finally writing that book.” In his final chapter he writes, “Words have a longevity I do not.” We write to immortalize ourselves.

But writing a book costs us. For me, the price of writing this book was:

  • Less physical time with my kids (which I was fine with, actually–“I have a book to write” feels like a noble excuse for temporary escape. Much better than “I have a blog post to write or novel to read.”)
  • Fractured and distracted time with my kids and my husband. (Nothing like a surprise invasion of imposter syndrome, comparison, or “But I can’t do this” lament to sideline foreplay.)
  • Much money spent on babysitters, new headshots, postage for mailing books, writing at a nearby Abbey, paying my own book coach and publicist, writing software, purchasing books for research, paying for my own advance reader copies (ARCs) to distribute to influencers, paying for ads on Instagram, and for my launch party. (My husband calls all this “investment in my career”… most days I agree.)
  • The mental/emotional toll of All The Voices. The result for me was often insomnia, sometimes tears, and the occasional freak out.
  • Loss of friendships. Every spare moment was spent writing my book. While I used to spend naptimes calling long-distance friends, I now needed to spend that time researching or writing my book. While I used to have time to chat with moms at pre-school pickup-up, I needed to rush home to get to work on a book about making time for people and building community (the irony!).

Before you write that book, count the cost. What’s it worth to you? Could your stories wait?

One friend says she makes decisions based on the criteria: “Does this give life to me and my family or steal life from me and my family?” But is it fair to use the “life-giving/life-stealing criteria” for evaluating the creation of art? Or is the transformation of my readers, their churches, and their neighborhoods worth the temporary strain on my marriage, friendships, and family? (This is where believing in a “Higher Calling” would come in handy. Higher Callings demand personal sacrifice for the greater good of humanity. Do I believe my writing is that far-reaching?)

In Walking on Water, Madeleine L’Engle says that “if the work comes to the artist and says, ‘Here I am, serve me,’ then the job of the artist, great or small, is to serve.”

I don’t write because it brings me or my family greater happiness (though I confess I’ve had moments of exhilaration). I don’t write because it brings me greater peace, joy, or helps me sleep better at night (it doesn’t). And I don’t write because I want to be famous, rich, or accomplished. I write because I must. Not writing is more painful, awkward, and–dare I say–foolish. Not writing feels like disobedience. Not writing would be leaving behind the topo map, compass, and binoculars I’ve been gifted to instead bushwhack through the forest blind.

Until we know why we write, our faulty reasons for writing and wanting to publish a book will lead us astray. (To be fair, sometimes we write to pay the bills … this is not exactly what I’m talking about here. There are usually about three hundred better ways to put groceries in your fridge and gas in your car than becoming a writer.)

Before you pursue that agent, that book proposal, that book deal, I urge you to wrestle with your why. And after that, ask yourself some questions:

  • Why is now the right time?
  • Would my stories benefit from a bit more marinating? A bit more time curing and being cultivated in secret? Has my story reached maturation?
  • Must I write?

As writers, we can google “how” to write a book. We can take classes, read books, join online writing communities, and listen to writers on podcasts. But every writer must work out their own “why.”

Why do you write? And are you meant to write that book now? If your answer is yes, then go in peace and serve the work. It may well be the hardest thing you ever do. (Just don’t say no one warned you.) And don’t be shocked if when it’s turned in, printed, and launching out into the world, instead of relaxing in a kayak on a serene lake or tickling your children under an apple tree, you feel The Tug. And you know. You may just need to do it all over again.

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Book Review of Light from Distant Stars

*This review does not contain spoilers.

My husband had a difficult time convincing me this book wasn’t actually scary. He read it first, so I kept checking in, “Are you sure this isn’t a horror story?” He assured me it wasn’t. He was right. Mostly. Light from Distant Stars by Shawn Smucker is the perfect level of suspense for a light-weight like me. Thrilling, but not too gory. Scary, but not nightmare-inducing.

Through disarming prose and complex characters, Smucker entertains readers with a thought-provoking, engrossing story. Switching back and forth in time between the young and middle-aged protagonist, Cohen, Smucker guides the reader to explore the problem begging for answers: Who (or what) attacked Cohen’s father while he was at work in the morgue? (And the unspoken question: Did Cohen attempt to murder his own father?)

If you’ve read Smucker’s first young adult novel called The Day the Angels Fell, this book has some of the same shadowy parallels as he explores themes of death, guilt, the parent-child relationship, and the fears we struggle to overcome. While this novel is geared more toward adults, mature teens would also enjoy this story. Light from Distant Stars is the kind of novel that carries you away in the story and you don’t want to stop until you get some answers. The last quarter of the book kept me turning pages late into the night. Throughout the book, I kept asking myself, “Do I believe Cohen?” “What is reality?” and “Do I trust Cohen’s memories?”

And as for my husband’s confidence that this was not a thriller, I have to say I disagree. If it were a film, I’d put it at the Sixth Sense-level of spookiness. But even though the story concluded with plenty of unanswered questions, Light from Distant Stars was an entertaining, nuanced, and a satisfying read. The books that leave unanswered questions are usually the ones that keep us thinking for ourselves long after we’ve finished the book.

*This post contains Amazon affiliate links

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Pre-order Bonuses!

Here’s how this works:

  1. Pre-order Invited: The Power of Hospitality in an Age of Loneliness by Leslie Verner wherever you purchase books.
  2. Click on this form to record the number of copies, receipt order number, and your email address.
  3. You will be emailed a PDF of “Ideas for Inviting”–a list of nearly 100 ideas for practicing hospitality included in the back of your new Invited book.
  4. For each copy you order, you’ll qualify for another entry to win one of five bundles of either ethical gifts or books related to Invited. (Details below.)
  5. Winners will be notified by August 20th.

*only U.S. residents and Canadians are eligible for the giveaways, but you can live anywhere to receive “Ideas for Inviting.”

PRE-ORDER INVITED HERE

(You don’t have to order on Amazon, you can pre-order anywhere you buy books.) Then…

CLAIM YOUR PRE-ORDER BONUS

Pre-ordering a book on Amazon locks you in to the lowest price PLUS you’ll receive your book the day it releases, on August 13th.

Don’t forget to snap a pic of your new book and put it on social media (tag @leslie_verner on Twitter and @scraping_raisins on Instagram and use the hashtag #InvitedBook), and review it on Amazon when you get a chance!

***

I am honored to be partnering with some fabulous ethical gift companies (described below) who have donated items to give away for these pre-order bonuses.

BUNDLES:

Gift Bundle #1

  1. Wristlet from Imagine Goods
  2. Table runner from Dignify
  3. Earrings from Grain of Rice Project
  4. A pound of coffee home-roasted by Adam Verner
  5. Shoe bag from The White Peacock
  6. Mug from Papillion Marketplace
  7. Extending the Table cookbook (I’ve used this for twenty years and this is a NEW edition!)
  8. Napkins from Sari Bari

Gift Bundle #2

  1. Apron from Imagine Goods
  2. Placemats & napkins from Ziyada
  3. Table Runner from Sari Bari
  4. Necklace from Grain of Rice Project
  5. Tea from JusTea
  6. Shoe bag from The White Peacock
  7. Mug from Papillion Marketplace
  8. Extending the Table cookbook

Gift Bundle #3

  1. Table runner from Dignify
  2. Tea from JusTea
  3. Earrings from Grain of Rice Project
  4. Tote from Papillion Market Place
  5. Shoe bag from The White Peacock
  6. Placemats & napkins from Ziyada
  7. Mug from Papillion Marketplace
  8. Extending the Table cookbook

Book Bundle #1

Extending the Table: Recipes and stories from Afghanistan to Zambia in the Spirit of More-with-Less (World Community Cookbook) by Joetta Handrich Schlabach

The God Who Sees: Immigrants, the Bible, and the Journey to Belong by Karen Gonzalez

Loving My Actual Neighbor: 7 Practices to Treasure the People Right in Front of You by Alexandra Kuykendall

One: Unity in a Divided World by Deidra Riggs

We Will Feast: Rethinking Dinner, Worship, and the Kingdom of God by Kendall Vanderslice

The Wisdom of Stability: Rooting Faith in a Mobile Culture by Jonathan Wilson-Hartgrove

Book Bundle #2

Extending the Table: Recipes and stories from Afghanistan to Zambia in the Spirit of More-with-Less (World Community Cookbook) by Joetta Handrich Schlabach

Glorious Weakness: Discovering God in All We Lack by Alia Joy

Hermanas: Deepening Our Identity and Growing Our Influence by Natalia Kohn Rivera, Noemi Vega Quiñones, Kristy Garza Robinson

The Next Worship: Glorifying God in a Diverse World by Sandra Van Opstal

Taste and See: Discovering God Among the Butchers, Bakers, and Fresh Food Makers by Margaret Feinberg

Welcoming the Stranger: Justice, Compassion & Truth in the Immigration Debate by Matthew Soerens, Jenny Yang, and Leith Anderson

I’m Honored to Partner with These 8 Ethical Gift Companies:

I hope you take the time read some of the stories behind these inspiring companies (I’m usually in tears each year as I research them for my Christmas ethical gift list). Be sure to keep these companies in mind when you do your Christmas shopping this year!

Dignify

Dignify helps women experience and share hospitality with their one-of-a-kind kantha blankets, sustainably made with dignity by vulnerable populations of women in Bangladesh.

Dignify donated table runners to the Invited pre-order bonus gift!

Grain of Rice Project

Grain of Rice Project empowers Kenyans living in the Kibera slum by helping them become self-sufficient through employment, education, and skills training.

Grain of Rice Project donated several gorgeous pieces of jewelry for the Invited pre-order bonus gift!

JusTea

JusTea is a specialty tea factory staffed, managed, and owned by small-scale tea farmers in the Nandi Hills of Kenya.

JusTea donated two tins of tea for pre-order bonus gifts!

Imagine Goods

Imagine Goods empowers trafficking survivors in Cambodia and vulnerable in the Haiti to provide opportunities for empowerment through employment.

Imagine Goods donated a wristlet and this apron for pre-order bonuses!

Papillon Marketplace

Papillon Marketplace provides jobs for Haitians and trains individuals to use metal, cardboard, aluminum, dirt, and paper to create jewelry and other products.

Papillon Marketplace donated mugs and a tote to these pre-order bonuses!

Sari Bari

Sari Bari partners with women who have chosen to empower themselves by exiting the sex trade in India by providing jobs to create beautiful products using vintage saris from Kolkata’s largest red light district.

Sari Bari donated these napkins as well as a table runner for our pre-order bonuses!

The White Peacock

The White Peacock empowers Indian women to work at home and support their families through creative design, crafting, and marketing handmade items.

The White Peacock donated shoe/gift bags for the Invited pre-order bonuses!

Ziyada

Ziyada provides meaningful employment in a safe, loving environment for twenty-two women (and two men) in an impoverished area of North India.

Ziyada donated several sets of placemats and napkins for the pre-order bonuses of Invited!

Pre-order bonuses for Invited: The Power of Hospitality in an Age of Loneliness (Aug 13 Herald Press) #bookrecommendations #booksof2019 #bestbooksof2019 #hospitality #community #choosewelcome

**This post includes Amazon affiliate links.

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Reimagining Neighborhoods with Tim Soerens and Paul Sparks

Many of us are disconnected, lonely, and isolated even though we’re surrounded by neighbors, strangers, and living, breathing human beings all around us. My husband and I recently attended a meeting in Denver called “Reimagining Neighborhoods” where Tim Soerens and Paul Sparks, in partnership with the Navigators, discussed this issue. As the writers of the book The New Parish and founders of The Parish Collective , they challenged us to seek community right where we live.

The evening opened with a short film about neighboring well; then several individuals shared tales of intentionally pursuing relationships with people outside their immediate comfort zones. One man told of seeking out his “third place” (besides work and home) where he has developed relationships over time by frequenting a Thai restaurant.

Another woman mentioned that her dogs help her make connections, but also shared how their neighbors enjoy a fantasy football league, a fire pit-in-the-driveway tradition on Halloween, and use Facebook to promote neighborhood gatherings. Another described their neighborhood as “a place where I belong” and someone else said “cultivating a life in common” was of utmost value to them. The speakers shared about other friend’s involvement in farmers markets, coffeehouses, garage sales, community gardens, and giving away popsicles, dessert, or meals in the local park.

After these individuals shared about their experiences with opening their homes and intentionally seeking community among their neighbors, Tim Soerens began his talk with a quote from William Blake: “We become what we behold.” He described our small, faithful actions of simply showing up in our relationships with the people around us. He talked about healing democracy not by starting from the top, but from the bottom—in our homes, workplaces, neighborhoods and cities. Soerens said, “all the systems that shape us—we’re also called to shape them as well.”

Paul Sparks said we know the gospel has broken through and shalom has prevailed when the world can look at Christians and be struck by our love for one another. He quoted Manuel Castells, who talks about the “space of flows,” where people often miss one another in a life of busyness and movement. Sparks has visited many communities where people are experimenting with good news, and when he visits, he often looks for ways the community is solving conflicts and diving deeper into humility and grace for one another. He concluded by saying that this commitment to learning how we belong to one another isn’t rocket science, but it does take commitment, presence, and a miracle, because “turning to face one another takes divine grace.”

During our short discussion time at the end, one woman pointed out that this all seems so obvious, and yet in our culture of disconnection, individualism, and independence, we almost need to re-learn how to be humans with one another.

Finding connection right where we are is both the easiest and most difficult way to cultivate community. It requires intentionality, availability, and humility. And yet I believe there’s a movement of God to stop leaving “ministry” and movements to clergy and missionaries, and remind us we are already standing on holy ground—even if that ground is our rock-covered lawns (like in Colorado where I live), our third floor apartment buildings, or our ranch in the country. God wants us to notice the people right around us—look them in the eye, speak to them, and remember that we—and they–are not alone after all. When we begin to reimagine our neighborhoods, we begin to reimagine God’s vision for a connected kingdom.

Resources:

Parish Collective: You can learn more about Parish Collective here. Parish Collective identifies, connects, and resources followers of Jesus that desire to grow the fabric of love and care in, with, and for the neighborhood.

Book List: Their website also links to a fabulous list of books relating to developing community, relationships, and neighboring well.

The New Parish Book: Check out the book The New Parish: How Neighborhood Churches are Transforming Mission, Discipleship, and Community, by Paul Sparks, Tim Soerens, and Dwight J. Friesen (IVP). About the book: “Paul Sparks, Tim Soerens and Dwight J. Friesen have seen in cities, suburbs and small towns all over North America how powerful the gospel can be when it takes root in the context of a place, at the intersection of geography, demography, economy and culture.” (Amazon)

Prayer Walk Guide: The Navigators offered a brochure to do a prayer walk in your neighborhood. I couldn’t find that one online, but I did find this neighborhood prayer walk guide that also incorporates observation and accommodations for different seasons of the church calendar.

Sign up for the monthly-ish newsletter and I’ll send you a free list of hospitality resources!

My new book Invited: The Power of Hospitality in an Age of Loneliness is now available for pre-order! You can read about the book as well as some of the advance praise for the book by visiting this page. Sign up for my newsletter above to keep up-to-date on pre-order bonuses, launch team, book recommendations, and more! The LAUNCH TEAM is open until Thursday, June 13th. You can sign up here.

Photo by Clayton Cardinalli on Unsplash

*This post includes Amazon affiliate links

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The Promise of And in an Either-Or World Book Review of Surprised by Paradox

Surprised by Paradox: The Promise of And in an Either-Or World is an invitation to probe into the mysteries of faith in Jesus. If you’re looking for an ambitious book written by a wise woman, this book is for you. Michel’s writing is sharp, intelligent, and sincere. She doesn’t pull punches, but she does offer plenty of glimpses into her own humanity and struggles. Within her biblical exegesis, Michel quotes from theologians, philosophers, and historians such as Willard, Tertullian, Spurgeon, Tozer, Rutledge, Bonhoeffer, Chesterton, Athanasius, and Wright. Far from fluffy, this book is engaging, intellectual, and meaty. Michel gives literary legs to abstract ideas.

Divided into four major sections–incarnation, kingdom, grace, and lament–with questions for discussion and reflection at the end of each section, Michel confronts a quandary in each chapter that people often pose in the Christian faith. She considers questions such as: Should we live for heaven or live for earth? Should we be sacrificing more or enjoying more? How should Christians engage with politics? How is grace different from leniency? What’s the role of lament in the life of the Christian? What about suffering? In the introduction Michel says, “This is a book about faith in its lived-in condition—as it abides complexity rather than resists it.” The promise of “And” in an “Either-Or World.”

Michel is candid about her sexual struggles as a teenager and the tragic death of her brother. She also confronts many questions about politics, race, and some of the other divides that plague our churches. Michel acknowledges the elephant(s) in the room and urges us to describe our view. Surprised by Paradox invites us back into conversations with one another. Michel is a high-stakes writer who bravely peels back the curtains we use to guard ourselves and seems to say, “I’ll go first.”

This was the first book I read by Jen Pollock Michel. It’s hard to believe she has written three books in five years, because this one is so chockful of golden nuggets, I wonder how she had so many left over after writing the last two books. My one regret in reading is that I read it too swiftly. This book is best savored, sifted, and ruminated upon. It would make a fabulous book to discuss with a spouse, friend, or small group.

Michel ends her epilogue with an invitation to wonder. She writes, “let us have certainty when it’s available, let us have humility when it’s not.” This statement is the crux of her entire book, an invitation to ask the hard questions and welcome wonder and mystery to fill in the cracks when we can’t arrive at easy answers.

***

You can buy Surprised by Paradox here. (If you read it, be sure to write a review on Amazon–this helps readers find good books!)

This post contains Amazon affiliate links.

My new book Invited: The Power of Hospitality in an Age of Loneliness is now available for pre-order! You can read about the book as well as some of the advance praise for the book by visiting this page.

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Last Place in the Human Race {guest post}

By Nichole Woo | Website: www.walkthenarrows.com

I’m too slow for my life.

I reached this epiphany recently at stoplight, as I rolled my toothpaste-blue minivan up next to a red-hot Ferrari. It was a contrast too comical to ignore. So, I rolled down the window:

“Wanna race?” I teased, from my towering, sixteen-cup holder perch. The driver smirked and revved his engine. He left me in the dust, but not without a new metaphor to ponder.

Like it or not, we’re all part of this human race.

Within moments of a “positive” on a home pregnancy test (provided aim is good), we’re involuntarily and irrevocably nudged off the starting blocks. A barrage of benchmarks accost our lives in utero: Movements are measured, heartbeats counted, and that’s all before labor (which is often too early or late).

We welcome our beloveds with a kiss and an Apgar score, with many metrics to follow. Blink and these scores evolve into ABC competency, “unofficial” Pre-K soccer goals (that are counted anyways), ACT/SAT results, college acceptance letters, suitable relationships and bank accounts balances.

For better or worse these metrics are constant companions, pushing us through life at breakneck speeds. We pity those who straggle behind, but press on towards an ever-allusive finish line so we can win . . . we’re not sure exactly what. We fear that if we slow down, we’ll surely be lapped by something or someone; which means, we all just keep going in circles.

Years of pounding this course have frayed the fabric of my soul. I’m always winded and perpetually losing pace. It’s no wonder:

I’m the minivan, not the Ferrari.

Why am I pushing so hard to check the next box, when it’s always followed by another? Are these metrics, escorting every lap of life, a proper plum line? I must finish the race; but who says I should break the tape at world record pace?

Perhaps there is time to roll down the window, and just pause.

When I pause, I see things both heart-breaking and beautiful. I see glimpses of humanity as the dust clears: Some sprint by while others limp; a few can only crawl. There are others slowing too – Samaritans quietly crossing over to help some who stumble, and others stranded on the ground. They’ve tossed conventional measuring sticks, falling behind to usher others ahead.

I see a father put down his phone, to look up at his child. I hear the single mom’s “yes” to the caseworker asking her to welcome a second child. I glimpse the teacher, lingering long enough after the bell to gift his struggling student with a kind word. I catch the customer, pausing just long enough to meet the cashier’s eyes and smile.
They pause, as He did from the beginning:

When He saw what He made was good, and again to seek the pair who ushered in its corruption. He perceived Sarah’s pain, Hagar’s rejection, and David’s unborn frame. Then with human eyes He paused, and peered beyond earthly flesh: In the crooked tax collector, the unclean cloak-toucher, and the wayward woman at the well. He paused for imperfect humanity, again and again, to usher in divine glory.

This is the paradoxical beauty of falling behind.

To decelerate in this life seems like sacrilege. Surely, we’ll be lapped – passed up, passed by, or passed over. But to pause is to shadow the God who sees * the souls around Him and declares, “the last will be first, and first will be last.” **

I’m too slow for my life. Now, I’m thinking about driving even slower. Because whenever I wait for the dust to clear, I see that “human” matters infinitely more than “race.” In the pauses I remember: It’s not about when I finish, but who finishes with me.

*Genesis 16:13 (NIV)
**Matthew 20:16 (NIV)

***

Despite a deep desire to belong, Nichole Woo often finds life nudging her to the margins. She’s been the only girl on the team, the only public speaking teacher afraid of public speaking, the only Caucasian in the extended family photo, and the only mom who lets her kids drink Fanta. She calls the Rockies home, often pretending to be a Colorado native in spite of her flatland origins. Visit her blog at www.walkthenarrows.com.

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Rethinking Dinner, Worship, and the Community of God~Review of We Will Feast by Kendall Vanderslice

“How do we bond despite our differences? We do so when we grasp and share the most basic need of all humanity: the need to eat and drink,” Kendall Vanderslice writes in her book that released last week (p. 157). I first heard Vanderslice share a lecture on a L’Abri podcast called A Sacred Story of Meals. So when I heard she was writing a book, I was eager to read it because I knew it would be smart, relatable, and inspiring. I was right.

We Will Feast: Rethinking Dinner, Worship, and the Community of God summarizes itself in the title. It’s about food, gathering as followers of God, and how a bit of creativity can reorient us toward one another. The book is organized around Vanderslice’s experiences at several different dinner churches around the United States—from New York City to California, Michigan to Texas, among others—that she visited over the course of one year. Far from a simple summary of those experiences, she draws us into meals together around tables, in gardens, pubs, or at potlucks, allowing us to imagine a different kind of life together.

She weaves her expertise as a baker into each tale, expanding on communion, feasting, and the theology that connects us to one another. She writes that “worship around the table is a communal search for every glimmer of goodness in an aching world” (p. 167). This book offers that glimmer of goodness, granting a glimpse into other peoples’ windows of experience that may differ from our own.

If you’re looking for a hopeful book about church, this book for you. If you’re looking for a book that breaks open the boxes we squeeze God, the church, and worship into, this book is for you. And if you need refreshment, encouragement, or affirmation that community can still be found within the church, then this book is definitely for you. This book will make you hungry for steaming bread and savory soup, but especially for deep connection and intentional community. It will remind you that when we gather, we experience just a bit more of God’s presence in our midst.

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*This post includes Amazon affiliate links. I received a copy of We Will Feast from Eerdmans for review. All opinions are my own.

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Infertility, Envy, & an Unexpected Ending {guest post}

By Suzanna Price | Instagram: @suzanna.price

I dreamed of having a family ever since I was a little girl, playing with Cabbage patch kids and running through the schoolyard with my sister. And I always assumed I’d have no trouble starting a family.

I married at age 23, bursting with newlywed joy over the man I’d met on a blind date. Over the next nine years, I watched my friends have babies, went to baby showers out of obligation, and finally was able to name the uneasy envy I was feeling. Wayne and I were trying to get pregnant too, with no success.

We hated hearing about anyone’s pregnancy announcement. I began to feel bitter and I hated that too. I’d been battling epilepsy since the year we were married, and I felt like the infertility was salt in a wound. Why me? Why one more burden? Why so easy for all my friends and seemingly impossible for us? My spirit was unsettled; I prayed in anger and hope at the same time.

As in so many areas of life, the Lord was calling me to step up, out of my comfort zone. There’s always adoption. But I rejected that thought; that’s something other people do; I was surely not cut out for that.

But reality was setting in: the fertility treatment wasn’t working, and the burning desire for a baby wouldn’t subside. The idea I’d been trying to squash kept popping up: What would it look like to adopt? Over many tears and gentle urging from Wayne, I finally said yes.

With the help of a Christian adoption agency, we learned the legal process and worked our way through each overwhelming step. We created a book about ourselves, an open door for a birth mom to choose us. It felt odd, like advertising ourselves. We were told it would be a two year process, an unappealing thought when we were so ready now! So we were thrilled to be chosen within two months, and it seemed like a great match.

The birth mom knew she was having a girl, so we prepared the baby’s room and were flooded with gifts and baby décor from eager friends.

I was swelling with anticipation, an excitement I hadn’t felt in years. Then two weeks before the due date, my bubble was burst.  Our adoption agent called to tell me the birth mom had changed her mind. I felt it physically first, as the wind was knocked out of me and I sank to my knees. I gasped for air and cried so hard I couldn’t speak. Those tears would go on for days.

We knew adoption came with this risk. Even after you take the baby home, there’s a window of time where the birth mom can reverse her decision. But nothing can prepare you for that.

Now I was swelling with anger, not happiness. My spirit was crushed thinking about going back to square one. We closed the door of the baby room and took a weekend in the Colorado mountains to regroup. Day after day, I cried to God and prayed for the right birth mom; I absolutely couldn’t deal with another one who changed her mind. The thought made my stomach churn. The Lord was nudging me gently and I knew He wanted me to forgive. It was the most un-natural desire at that time, so I kept praying through it.

And the roller coaster continued. About a month later, we got a call. A birth mom was in the hospital with her newborn, in crisis, realizing she had no realistic way to support her baby. She’d thought about it off and on throughout her pregnancy, we later learned, and now we were the chosen parents.

We scrambled together what we needed to take home our baby girl, 48 hours old. We didn’t even have a car seat, so we borrowed one. I opened the door of the nursery, trembling with the fear of another rejection.

Not this time, though. The birth mom signed papers to expedite the legal process. That little girl was ours and my joy was overflowing. It was another incredible mixture of emotions, and extremely humbling to think about the tough choice that young woman made.

My daughter Rachel is 7 now. There is no way to describe the joy she has brought us. I cannot fathom any other child being ours. People tell me she looks like me, and I just smile and think, the Lord had this covered. We do stay in touch with her birth mom and visit sporadically. We explained to Rachel very early that she was adopted, that her birth mom wanted the best life possible for her. That satisfies her curiosity now, and as she matures we’ll keep talking through it.

I have seen much evidence of the Lord’s “beauty from ashes” promise over the years, but perhaps none as powerful as our adoption experience. I would go through it all again for the joy of finally becoming a mom.

About Suzanna:

Suzanna Price is a Colorado mom who loves Jesus and anything outdoors. She has a wonderful husband she met on a blind date, and they have walked together through many ups and downs including her battling years of seizures and the brain surgery that cured them. They have a seven-year-old daughter who loves reading, playing outside and camping. Follow Suzanna at her blog, on Facebook, and on Instagram.

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Jesus Is Not a Chair {guest post}

By Halley Kim | Twitter: @halleywkim

“Hi guys! Did you have fun? What’d you learn about?” I called out to my two children from the doorway of the preschool room at church, my infant on my hip. The service was over and because being a pastor’s wife means being a single mom on Sundays, I was more than ready to collect my kids and head home.

“Jesus!” replied two-year-old Phoebe while she played on the floor with blocks. I smiled at her stereotypical answer and smiled at Janice too, the classroom volunteer that week.

But Janice was disturbed. “Well, we had to backtrack quite a bit. Now I’m SURE you’ve told them this, but —” Janice put up her hand like a stop sign and took a big breath before she finished her sentence. “But when I asked them if they knew who Jesus was, they said no.”

Do you know who Jesus is? I wanted to ask. Does anyone, conclusively?

It was obvious she felt improper implying a pastor’s wife wasn’t feeding her children the prescribed diet of indoctrination. Nevertheless she felt it her duty to alert me that my kids were not fast-tracked to Heaven. I felt trapped because I couldn’t respond outside of church lady etiquette. I’m supposed to be a ringleader, not a rebel. I’m supposed to be advancing the gospel, not pondering disconcerting questions, and certainly not slipping in my charge to “train up children in the way they should go.”

Maybe Janice conveyed impropriety, but she did not hold back her objection to my parenting. With no church-sanctioned outlet for my feelings, I choked them down into the bulging box of All The Things I Cannot Say. A splash of anger was displaced by the new deposit, and I thought how easy it would be to snap Janice’s ninety pound frame like a wishbone.

She continued reporting how my children were failing Sunday School. “I asked them if they knew what it meant to believe in Jesus, and they said no. I asked them if they knew what the word ‘believe’ meant, and they said no.” Janice’s eyes seemed to bulge from her skull every time she uttered the word “no.”

“They’re big concepts for preschoolers,” I replied with my Sunday smile. I gazed at Gabe, my five-year-old who was zipping a toy airplane around the room and oblivious to my fury, to my sense of being caged, to my desire to defend my sweet babies who don’t know the five points of Calvinism and who cares anyway.

“Oh, I just used the analogy of a chair!” Janice tapped me on the forearm like she was telling me she substituted applesauce for eggs in a recipe. “I said, ‘Gabe, do you believe this chair will hold you up if you sit down in it?’ And he said ‘yes.’ So then I said, ‘Gabe, what if the legs of the chair were made of paper? Do you believe the chair would hold you up then?’ And he said ‘no.’”

Janice beamed as if to say, “There you go! Easy as that!”

The only thought I could formulate was You can’t use a word in the definition of that word, dummy.

Janice fiddled with the buttons on her sweater like she was waiting for me to thank her for unlocking the mysteries of faith. Her nine-year-old son Andrew stood nearby. Apparently he’d long-ago rejected the children’s Bible in favor of “the real thing.” Janice told me earlier that Andrew was reading before age two (yeah right) and that he just loved to sit on the couch and read Revelations.

Such a weird kid, I thought to myself.

“That Phoebe sure parrots everything Gabe says!” Janice said, changing the subject.

“Oh yeah. She does.” My mouth was full of words I couldn’t say and anger I wasn’t permitted to express. My baby fussed for her overdue nap and the bulging box inside me threatened to explode. Noted! For the hundredth time: “Only round pegs allowed here, so get your square self together.” I do not fit the pastor’s wife mold, nor am I a passable Christian mother. Guess what? You don’t get to grade me. Stop telling me that your way is the only right way.

About Halley:

Halley Kim is a writer and lactation consultant who lives in Phoenix, AZ with her husband and three kids. She has published essays with Mothers Always Write and The Junia Project. Follow her on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.

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