Because You are Single: A Letter to my Younger Self


I once was an “expert” single person. After five years in China, I knew how to travel across the world with 100 pounds of luggage, stay in hostels alone, barricade myself on bunk beds at night on 27 hour train rides, and cook for one. 
 
Sometimes it was fun, but often it was lonely. 
 
At 32, I did end up miraculously getting married to a man I wouldn’t have picked at a time I wouldn’t have planned. But that is another story.

Ten years later, I write this to my 26 year old self who had just sold her car and possessions, quit her job and left all her prospects for marriage to go live in the middle of nowhere (only four foreigners in the entire city and an eight hour bus ride from an airport) and obey the call of her Jesus. 

Dear Younger Self,

I know you are scared of being lonely.  The following may not assuage your desire for marriage, but it may help you to see the value of this season on the days when you just want someone to rub your feet and listen to your day.
 
First of all, because you are single, God is going to meet your needs in very tangible ways.  This is hard to accept, but sometimes God purposely leads you into the wilderness.  Loneliness can be His means of grace in your life.  He has demonstrated this through the heroes of the faith who have gone before you and in your wilderness, He wants to:
 
~ Tell you that He sees you and wants to give you something to quench your thirst as He did for Hagar (Gen. 16:7-11, 21:17-21).
 
~ Bring you to the end of your own strength so that you will rely on Him alone to give you the nourishment you need for the journey ahead as He did for Elijah (1 Kg. 19: 4-8).
 
~ Provide for your very basic needs through His daily provision of manna as He did the Israelites (Exodus 16:1-36).
 
~ Simplify your priorities when you have been stripped down to only what you really need like John the Baptist (Mat. 3:1).
 
~ Test your faith in Him as He did Jesus–and then send angels to minister to you in your need (Mat. 4: 1-25).
 
Married people feel lonely, too, but when you are single, you must rely on God alone to provide for you in your wilderness.  Some days you will find yourself face-down in a dusty field, wondering what you’re doing and why you’re doing it–alone.  It is those who are the most thirsty who are most ecstatic over the provision of water.  God will see you, provide for you, hold you and strengthen you.
 
Because you are single you will have the opportunity to go deeper in your relationships more quickly than married people.  I know you don’t want to hear this, but you have the gift of time.  Time to wander the markets, time to accept spontaneous dinner invitations, time to visit new friends at their homes in the countryside, and time to study language.  A married person doing marriage well will just not have the time that you have to delve into relationships in your new culture.

You are also more likely to have more satisfying relationships with other singles on your team and in your organization than you would have if you were married. 
 
There will come a day when you will miss the sweet friendships you naturally developed with other women just because you had to share a room with them at your yearly conference or eat meals together because the families on your team were all busy.

Because you are single, you are going to fall in love with Jesus in ways you might not have if you were married.  Those times when you are bumping along in a crowd, with families on your team or eating a delicious meal that you cooked and ate alone, you will feel that twinge of self-pity and longing, yet you will also have a deep sense that Jesus, Immanuel, is there with you. And He knows you to your core.
 
If you so choose, you will have hours to seek, find, hear His voice and know Him. You will not only sit at the feet of Jesus, but you will lean on his chest. Yes, you will have guilt that you just binge-watched an entire season of Gilmore Girls instead of spending time with Him, but the minutes you spend in His presence will create a reservoir that you will one day, especially if you do marry, draw from daily.

Finally, because you are single, you will be called (forced?) to come to grips with sacrifice. You feel like the greatest sacrifice you are making in going overseas is surrendering your desire for a husband. Like the article you ran across many years ago entitled “Chastity: Love Wasted on God,” about the woman breaking her jar of precious perfume on Jesus’ feet, you, too, will feel that you have so much love to give that is being “wasted.” 

All I can tell you is that the joy, peace and pleasure of Christ Himself that will wash over you as you pour yourself out for your first love will sustain you. And don’t be ashamed when you leave your gift at the altar only to run back and scoop it back into your arms again. He is a loving Father. A kind Father.  A forgiving and giving Father. 

He does not give His children gifts of rocks or snakes, but only the best gifts are reserved for those He calls His children. 

And nothing we give Him is ever—EVER—wasted. 

Keep handing your desire over to Him. 
Keep walking. 
Keep living. 
Keep learning. 
Keep loving. 
Keep growing. 

It is not too hard a thing for the Creator of the earth to bring someone into your life if that is His plan. He brought Eve to Adam in his sleep, after all.

And I know that you know this, but if you are not content now in your singleness, you are certainly not going to be content in your marriage. Nothing can fill the true longing in your heart for intimacy like intimacy with Christ. 

Not even a man.  

In His thirst-quenching, never-changing, always fulfilling love,

Your Older Self

Related Post~Serving Single in China

Next Post~When Marriage is Viewed As Selling Out

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Check out my #Write31days series: Re-Entry: 31 days of Reflections on Reverse Culture Shock

I write this to my 26 year old self who had just sold her car and possessions, quit her job and left all her prospects for marriage to go live in the middle of nowhere (only four foreigners in the entire city and an eight hour bus ride from an airport) and obey the call of her Jesus.

Soon Enough

March in Chicago is a quiet, agonizing torture.  Like waiting in line at the check-out and you are next in line, but no—the lady in front of you grabbed something without a price tag and you are still waiting, waiting, waiting.  I admit that I harbored some serious resentment towards the woman on the radio this morning who was going on about the  grey days, slushy streets and pelting sleet being officially over today—yay!, the first day of spring!  Glancing down at the temperature on the dash of my car registering 17 degrees, I smashed off the radio with more vehemence than was necessary, stomping out into the bitter, windy, winter day.  This Florida girl is running out of patience with this scene. 
The Voice and I went to see Hubbard Street Dance/Alonzo King downtown to belatedly celebrate our anniversary.  It was moving, disturbing and beautiful.  The oldest dancer on stage probably wasn’t much past 30, which was a sobering thought for us as 30-somethings.  A career in professional dance will only last about 20% of your life.  Life is long (God willing), but the seasons within that life are varied and will never repeat.  Lord, help me to live fully in every season you have me in.  Let me not wish that I were in spring when there is still so much sledding, cocoa drinking and fire cuddling to do right now.  Soon enough, Spring will dash in with her own flaws for me to complain about.

Missionary Gone Rogue

I am a missionary gone rogue.  Funded by supporters and my organization to live in China, I received a masters in Intercultural Studies and spent two years in full-time language school studying Chinese.  I had relationships, was living in a Chinese community complete with neighbor visitors, vegetable gardens, and a live-in pet bunny.  I was called.  I was thriving.  I was fluent.  And then I came home. 

I remember discussing missions with friends in high school.  “I’ll go if God really wants me to go, but I want to stay,” they’d say.  I’d surprise them with, “I’ll stay if He really wants me to stay, but I want to go!”  I finally had my chance to go to China and lived there, loving it, from 2005 to 2010.  So when God had other plans and led me back to the states, it was with great difficulty that I surrendered to His mysterious plan.

His plan included rerouting my path from China, missions, language study and a PhD study to changing diapers, making goofy faces at my 6-month-old and quiet evenings with my husband.  My plan was to marry a missionary in northwest rural China, while God’s plan for me included marrying an actor living in the northside of Chicago.  This blog will hopefully serve as an outlet as I reconcile my desire to live a ruggedly adventurous life serving God where most people will never go with the journey that He has me on, serving God on the normal, domestic path that many mamas have tread before me.