my story

October 23, 2015January 13, 2017

Day 23: When the Nations Come to You {31 Days of Re-Entry}

At thirty-six weeks pregnant, I lived with my husband and two-year-old son on the third floor of a three-ish bedroom, one bath “vintage” (a.k.a. old and falling apart, but with “character”) apartment in Chicago. And I had five Saudi Arabians sleeping on my living room floor.

Fortunately, living in China for five years had prepared me for living with ambiguity, so I wasn’t surprised when all my plans for the Saudi Arabian family of seven to stay either in a hotel or with friends changed abruptly and they needed a place to stay. It ended up only being for the night, but I actually loved every minute, because I am addicted to absurd experiences and this combined my two loves of hospitality and other cultures. Or I’m just crazy.

How did this happen? you ask. Well…

When I returned from China, I had every intention of getting involved with Chinese people, but jumping back into wedding planning, a new job and my first year of marriage limited my time so much that most of my attempts fizzled. Fortunately we lived in Chicago, right next to the most diverse zip code in the entire country, so I knew opportunities were there if I could find the time (and motivation) to seize them.

It wasn’t until I had been back for about three years and had an 8 month old baby at home that I finally decided to contact the ESL program at the nearby university to see if they needed any volunteers for their international students. I noticed that one of the teachers had gone to the same college as me, so I contacted her first. She said she didn’t need help, but that another teacher was looking for volunteers to practice English with her oral English class. The teacher was very enthusiastic about my helping and even agreed to let me bring my 8 month old along! The class turned out to be made up of ALL Saudi Arabian students. The women wore head coverings and were very shy, but seemed to really open up when they met my baby.

After volunteering a month, one of the students approached the teacher and asked her to ask me (in true eastern indirect culture) if she could LIVE with us. Her housing situation wasn’t working out and she wanted to live with a “native” family. I assumed my husband would think I was crazy when I told him, but he shocked me as he often does by agreeing. Shirin, from Jeddah, Saudi Arabia, moved in with us a month later.

The plan was for her to live with us for four months, which of course turned in to nearly a year, culminating with her parents and four siblings (minus one) sleeping on our living room floor when they came to the states for a visit.

She ate meals with us, came on family vacations, celebrated our holidays, babysat for our kids and generally just integrated into our family. We had many fascinating discussions about our different cultures, religions and customs and our kids loved playing with her and meeting her friends.

She spent a year after that in Delaware, but is now in Colorado as well, studying just an hour away from us (we moved here six months ago). I was able to visit her with my kids a few weeks ago, which was my first time being hosted by her. I loved having my kids exposed to eating on the floor around a cloth, passing dates, fruit, cookies and tasting Arabic tea. Though my heart longs to go, God is gracious to bring the nations to me as I am obedient in my staying.

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If you are currently back in the states and missing living abroad, I would encourage you to observe and take note of the nations that God might have brought nearly to your door, but may just be awaiting your invitation. Not everyone has to actually have an international student live with them, but for me, this has been the next-best thing to living abroad. Do you have a university nearby–or even a community college? Do you have a spare room? Could your children share a room to open up a room? We did charge Shirin rent, so our story is not completely altruistic, so you could consider this extra income as well as the ways your family would benefit from learning from someone from another culture.

Or if you’re not up for having someone live with you, do you know any international families or students who are new to the area that you could invite over for a meal? (be sure to research dietary restrictions before they come.) I was shocked to hear that most of Shirin’s classmates had NEVER been in an American’s home, even though they had been studying here nearly a year.

We are all called to the nations–not just some. And though you may be called to stay, you can do your part in reaching all the families of the earth from right where you are if you are willing to be stretched and surprised by how God wants to use you.

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This post is day 23 of the series “Re-entry: Reflections on Reverse Culture Shock,” a challenge I have taken to write for 31 days. Check out my other posts in the series:

Day 1: Introduction
Day 2: Grieving
Day 3: No One Is Special
Day 4: Wasted Gifts
Day 5: I Never Expected…
Day 6: Identity: Through the Looking Glass
Day 7: Did I mishear God?
Day 8: When You Feel Like Shutting Down
Day 9: Caring for your Dorothy
Day 10: You’re Not the Only One Who’s Changed
Day 11: 12 Race Day Lessons for Serving Overseas
Day 12: Confessions of an Experience Junkie
Day 13: Longing for Home
Day 14: Readjusting: Same Tools, Different Work Space
Day 15: Book Review: The Art of Coming Home
Day 16: The Story of My “Call”
Day 17: Is Missions a “Higher Calling”?
Day 18: And Then I Fell in Love
Day 19: Is God Calling You Overseas?
Day 20: Life Is Not Seasonal
Day 21: What I Took and What I Left Behind
Day 22: Groundless, Weightless, Homeless
Day 23: When the Nations Come to You
Day 24: The Call to Displacement
Day 25: Scripture Anchors for Re-Entry
Day 26: In the Place of Your Exile
Day 27: Resources for Re-entry
Day 28: A Time for Everything: A Prayer of Leaving
Day 29: Journal: 8 Months After Re-Entry
Day 30: 12 Survival Tips for Re-Entry
Day 31: A Blessing
(Day 32: Writing is Narcissistic (And Four Other Reasons Not to Write)–a reflection on this Write 31 Days experience)

October 21, 2015January 13, 2017

Day 21: What I Took and What I Left Behind {31 Days of Re-Entry}

“We came, we saw, we took away and we left behind, we must be allowed our anguish and our regrets.”

Adah in The Poisonwood Bible, p. 483

What have I taken away from China?

I have taken some seedlings of customs and routines from China and attempted to transplant them into the soil of my life in America. Some have taken root and some have shriveled because the soil is just not conducive to that sort of seed.

I had grown accustomed to cooking Chinese food at every meal when I lived in China just because it was so inconvenient to make western food. Now that I don’t have easy access to Chinese ingredients, I have gone back to more predictable culinary exploits such as meatloaf and spaghetti.

I have carried back a respect for rest and family. I feel less guilty sitting down with a book and cup of tea for 20 minutes a day than I did before going to China. I also now value proximity to family more than I once did, not having had that for five years and seeing how much my Chinese friends valued their family relationships.

I am better with ambiguity than I once was. Being on buses that would stop for hours at a time with no explanation, having classes cancelled last minute for tree planting and being essentially illiterate my first three years in China, I grew accustomed to living with less information. I value this new-found flexibility and ability to find humor in the absurd.

What did I leave behind in China?

As it turned out, China was the conclusion to my Singleness Chapter in life, so I left behind long runs in the wilderness, staying up until 3 am binge-watching TV, two hour long quiet times with Jesus, having visitors stop by at the last minute and staying through dinner and traveling all over China during school holidays.

I left behind my pre-marriage, pre-children self that sometimes seems more confident, adventurous and faithful than I am now.

But what I mourn the most are the friends-become-family I left behind–the ones who became my sisters, brothers, mothers, fathers and grandparents because I was alone and needed family. In their great value for family, they pitied the foreigner and, like Jesus, invited me in (to share their home), gave me something to eat (homemade noodles and dumplings), something to drink (tea) and something to wear (appropriate long underwear). Even though most of them didn’t know Him, they were Jesus to me. They were His hands and feet. They were my family.

“…we must be allowed our anguish and our regrets.”

If I allow it, the anguish I feel about leaving these relationships can be debilitating and the regrets I have about not keeping in touch with them can overtake me. But, unlike Adah, I trust in a God with a grander story. He is not disappointed in me for not keeping in touch with friends 10,000 miles away, nor is He dependent on me to keep watering the seeds that were sown in the hearts of friends who did not yet know Christ. He allowed me a glimpse of what it will be like to worship with the nations, which is something I will carry with me until I see many of them again in eternity. And that can never be left behind.

If you have moved, what have you taken with you and what have you left behind?

~~~~~~

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This post is day 21 of the series “Re-entry: Reflections on Reverse Culture Shock,” a challenge I have taken to write for 31 days. Check out my other posts in the series:

October 20, 2015January 13, 2017

Day 20: Life Is Not Seasonal {31 Days of Re-Entry}

We like to say life is “seasonal,” but sometimes I wonder if this is an accurate description. Much of the world has four seasons, though some places have only one or two, but I think we can all agree that these seasons repeat. In life, our seasons will never repeat themselves. We have one chance at the season we are in before the next one begins, never to be repeated again.

Life is more like a book with chapters, complete with plot twists and complex characters, though it may have repeating themes and recurring symbols.

I am currently in a chapter I’d title “The Narrowing.” When we first got married, my husband and I coined this term because we suddenly had less than half the amount of time we used to have for personal pursuits and other relationships.  We felt squeezed. And then we had kids. Now we wonder who we are and if we’ll ever see our old selves again. Life in this chapter can feel like an open pasture that is suddenly fenced. Beautiful and green at times, but limited.

When I returned from China, I had every intention of “using my Chinese” and staying in close contact with Chinese friends, but as I practically crash landed while hitting the pavement running on re-entry, those desires and expectations just became places of immense guilt and regret.

I have already written about feeling like I have latent gifts, but I do wonder sometimes if China was just a stand-alone chapter. Was it like the older TV shows that wrapped up neatly in every episode, or was it a show with a long story arc, spanning multiple episodes?  Will I see the character of China again (or perhaps just eavesdrop on her doppleganger in America?)?

I had never lived in the mountains until six months ago, though it was always my dream. In Florida where I grew up, and Chicago where I lived as an adult, I would sometimes pretend the clouds on the low horizon were mountains in the distance. Now I am blessed to see mountains as I leave the grocery store. As novice mountain dwellers, we made the mistake of thinking we needed to live as close to the mountains as possible. I love knowing they’re there, but am overwhelmed with awe when we drive several miles away and look back at the majestic horizon.

I look forward to the day when I am not so close to the mountains in my story.  One day I will have perspective. One day I will flip back through the story of my life and muse over the recurring themes and characters and perhaps be able to answer some of the “why’s and what?!’s” that I have scribbled in the margins.

When I decided to leave China, I had a conversation with a leader in our organization, Amy Young. I apologetically told her about my decision to return to America and that I was most likely going to get married.  Expecting to hear disappointment in her response, she surprised me with, “Life is long.” God willing, life is long. I will have other chances to go. “In sha allah,” as my Saudi Arabian friend says, “As God wills.”

My husband and I went back to China after I had been in the states for a year to lead a summer trip for college students to teach English. On the trip, we met an American couple in their 70’s that was leading a separate trip for adults. They had been travelling to China every summer for 20 years. I was relieved to discover that they hadn’t even begun serving the Lord overseas until they were in their 50’s. It gave me hope that China might be a recurring character in my story.

As I begin to advance into the “not as young” group of life-livers, I am grateful for stories of goers who go much later in life.  Young people have such a hard time imagining themselves past age 30 or 40, so it can be shocking when you realize that there can be so many more chapters yet to be written.

The following quote is my life motto of sorts. It gets recopied into my journals each time I get a new one and it helps me to center my prayers as I approach Jesus. It reminds me to live in my chapter and trust that God will begin the next one in His perfect timing. I hope it can lead you to the throne today as well:

“To follow the Lord to the cross means this:

Every day you must surrender yourself–body and soul–and obediently do the work of your Father.
Wherever He leads you and whatever it costs you.

I am speaking of the surrender to God of your whole life, each day, from now on.

And each day God will lay out the work you must do.

That is His part.
Your part is to forsake the life you would choose for yourself and follow him to do what He shows you to do.”

(Bernard of Clairvaux, Your Angels Guard My Steps, p. 16)

If you are over the age of 50 and reading this, what have you been able to accomplish or experience in your 50’s and beyond that you never would have imaged while you were younger? If you are in the “younger” camp, which themes and characters do you hope you will see again in a later chapter?

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This post is day 20 of the series “Re-entry: Reflections on Reverse Culture Shock,” a challenge I have taken to write for 31 days. Check out my other posts in the series:

Find many other great 31 day blogs here!

Photo: www.canva.com

Linking up with Velvet Ashes

October 18, 2015January 13, 2017

Day 18: And Then I Fell In Love {31 Days of Re-Entry}

“In Your way, in Your time, if it’s Your will.”

This was always my prayer when I talked to God about my desire for marriage. This is the story of how He chose to answer that prayer.

“In Your way”
You never quite know how (or if) your love story is going to go. As it turns out, mine shocked me.

I returned to the states for two months in the middle of my fifth year of serving in China. I was about to finish my second year of full-time language school. While home in Florida with my parents, I traveled to Chicago for two weeks to visit friends, which included a weekend trip at the beginning with about 10 friends in Michigan. We had done those kind of get-togethers over the years and though there was a core group, there were usually a few different people each time.

I ended up riding to Michigan with a friend, her fiancé, and another guy, Adam Verner, a voice talent and audio book narrator. We had actually met many years before when he visited our small group, but for various reasons he hadn’t been able to get involved at church until after I had already gone to China. We talked the entire three hours to Michigan and hung out all weekend. Since I had always planned on marrying a missionary, my guard was completely down and I just kept telling myself to relax and enjoy him. It wasn’t until the drive back that I thought to myself Oh crap. I really like this guy. And I live in CHINA. (As he tells it, it was on the way there that he thought the same thing).

Being self-employed, he had time to spend time with me during the next two weeks in Chicago. We talked a ton, but for once I didn’t let myself go too deep too quickly. One of my best friends knew Adam well and could vouch for him and assured me that he was a quality guy. “Don’t analyze and don’t fantasize” was my motto for those two weeks and I would blast the radio with dance music each time I got in the car to try and prevent myself from doing just that.

But I was falling in love.

After the fact, we both described the feelings as being caught up by a current where it would have been impossible to swim backward. All we could do was allow ourselves to be swept along in the flow. I finally understood why people called it “falling” in love, because it was a terrifying and wonderful free fall into the unknown.

After hanging out several times, he invited me over for dinner at his condo. Walking in, I remember thinking There’s no way all my stuff will fit in here. After dinner, I threw him off by sitting across the room from him instead of next to him on the couch. He thought for sure I wasn’t interested, but I later told him that it was because I didn’t want to be distracted by how attracted I was to him.

We spent more time together the next week and he asked me out for Valentine’s Day. It was then that he told me that he wanted to “intentionally pursue me”–even if that meant him coming to China–and had started researching ways to do a long distance relationship well. I was leaving the next day to fly back to Florida for a few weeks before heading to China.

“You know you ARE going to be in the states a little longer,” he said.

“And you want to come visit me in Florida?” I said. When he smiled and nodded, my entire body flooded with heat and I began sweating. I told him that I hadn’t even told my family yet (my mom had a history of getting too excited too quickly anytime I talked about a guy, so I thought it would be best to keep this a secret for a little while).

So I flew home the next day and told my mom that not only was I dating someone, but that he was coming next week. I had dated so little that she actually thought I was lying. No one would believe me! But after convincing the family I was telling the truth, Adam showed up in Florida to meet my entire family–and even jumped in the family picture.

I flew back to China a few days later and we began our long distance relationship which consisted of 5 hour Skype conversations every other day and scanning hand-written letters to email for the next few months (the mail was too slow!). That was in early March. Mid-March he told me he loved me and during his week-long visit to China in May, we discussed marriage. I flew back to America July 15 and we were engaged 3 days after that. We got married January 15, just a few weeks shy of the Michigan weekend a year before.

“In Your Time”
I’ve always thought it was strange when people said they “got married late,” as if God does anything “late.” But that said, it certainly started feeling like I had missed my opportunity for marriage when my friends not only passed me, but began lapping me as they had one child after another.

I always loved the verses throughout the Song of Solomon that talked about not awakening love until it so desired and tried to trust that God knew what He was doing when I still found myself single on my 30th birthday (why is that always our “deadline” for marriage?). Being 29 was a much harder year for me than 30 for that reason–because I was still single, with no prospects of marriage (and, did I mention I was living in the middle of nowhere China?).

But God brought Adam and I together when His time was right. We often speculate on whether we would have ended up together earlier if I had been in the states, but ironically it was the fact that I was living in China that was intriguing to him. That, and I had finally accepted God’s will for my life–even if that meant being single. (I had decided to move forward with Plan B, which was becoming the most educated single person I could and getting my PhD!).

“If It’s Your Will”
How did I know that it was God’s will for me to leave China and marry Adam?

I am certainly not an expert in discerning God’s will, but I will say that He had to do a work in my heart before I even met Adam to get me to a place of being willing to marry someone who didn’t fit a very specific profile. Over the years of singleness, my long list of qualifications eventually boiled down to just three:

1. Loves God
2. Loves me
3. Loves others

Of course I had ideas of how I hoped these three would play out, but ultimately I had to lay my hopes and expectations down at His altar and trust that He would choose someone for me.

I have had many friends over the years who have really wrestled with whether or not someone was right for them. That was not the case with me. I think God knew that in order for me to leave China and my plans, the way would have to be undeniably clear.

Though I have had no doubt that marriage was God’s will for me, I will say that I have struggled with what other people think about my choice, which I hashed out in a separate post called “When Marriage Is Viewed as Selling Out.”

But I remember discussing my feelings with my married teammate and she assured me that leaving China to get married was completely valid and right. This was also the friend who had had a dream that I told her I was dating a guy named Adam the week before I actually flew back to China!

I am blessed to be married to a kind, generous, hard-working, talented, intelligent, gentle and thoughtful man who:
1. Loves God
2. Loves me
3. Loves others

He has supported me so well through all of the transitions of the past five years. And while he may not feel “called to missions,” he is submitted to God and wants to live in obedience to Christ no matter where we live–even if that means going back to China.

~~~~~~

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This post is day 18 of the series “Re-entry: Reflections on Reverse Culture Shock,” a challenge I have taken to write for 31 days. Check out my other posts in the series:

October 16, 2015January 13, 2017

Day 16: The Story of My “Call” {31 Days of Re-Entry}

Today is a “step back and get the big picture” kind of day, as I take advantage of the re-entry theme to reflect on the past and its impact on my present reality. The following is the story of how God called me to serve Him overseas. I have some comments to share, but I’ll reserve those for a few posts on calling over the next few days. For now, here’s the story as I tell it to those who ask,

“How were you called into missions?”

A tall, slim Caucasian man wrapped in brightly colored African clothing leaned over the podium while photos of his son holding spears with warriors in Uganda played across the screens on either sides of the church. He shared the verse, “Look at the nations and watch, and be utterly amazed, for God is going to do something in your day that you would believe even if you were told,” from Habakkuk 1:5. He spoke of the lives they had changed while living in Africa and shared exotic tales of hardship and reward.

A 16 year old Leslie soaked in every word and joined just a few people of the hundreds in the service as the preacher asked anyone who felt “called to missions” to come forward.

I had been “called.”

The summer before this I had been on one two week mission trip to Costa Rica with my youth group, traveling around the country performing a mime while a recording narrated in Spanish. On the tour bus I stared out the window thinking, I could do this. God, is this what you want for my life?

Africa had my heart from that time on and I practically attacked any Africans or missionaries to Africa I met for the next several years. But after spending six months in Uganda my senior year of college, I came back humbled and less sure of God’s driving will for my life. Africa? I didn’t think so anymore. Missions? Possibly.

So I lived life. I taught middle school in the city of Chicago and volunteered with the church inner city youth group. After several years, that feeling began to niggle at my heart again–the urge to go that I couldn’t ignore.

So since I was a teacher and had summers off, I told someone at church that I would volunteer to help a missionary from our church for the summer. The first one I heard from was in Tajikistan. Tajiki–what? I ran to the map to find where it even was and told the man from church that I’d just wait to hear back from more. Surely there’d be more. After all, our church supported about 20 missionaries. I heard from one in Canada, but other than that, nope. Tajikistan. I actually emailed the family back to tell them I couldn’t come, but quickly felt that I should go. To Tajikistan. Next to Afghanistan.

I lived with a missionary family in Dushanbe, Tajikistan, for five weeks, helping them with a few projects at the English school they worked for and manning the tiny English library a few days a week. Since they didn’t have a ton for me to do, I basically had all morning free to spend sleeping, reading and listening. And in that time and space, the Lord seemed to indicate that that would be my last year in Chicago and that I should pursue going overseas again to a “closed” country (to missionaries).

When I returned from Tajikistan, China was everywhere I turned. On the radio, in conversations I overheard, in books and mentioned “randomly” by friends. China seemed to be the obvious choice for where I would go.

When I applied and was accepted by an organization to go to China, but was still waiting for placement, I got a call (on the phone, not from God). This wasn’t the way things were usually done, but would I be willing to serve in a very remote placement? A placement with only one teammate? Eight hours from the nearest airport (at that time)? Oh, and it’s not the warm place that you had requested (my ONLY request).

Because of my previous experience with Muslims in Tajikistan, I was now on my organization’s radar as someone with experience in a Muslim area.

I told them I would call them back. I went home and prayed. Within 12 hours, I had two “signs.”

The first was when I Googled the name of the city (a place many Chinese people don’t even know) and the first page I was directed to was about a group from Intervarsity traveling to that very city that summer. The leader listed at the bottom was the sister of one of my best friends in Chicago who lived down the street. Out of all the tiny remote villages in China, “coincidentally,” here was one I had a personal connection with right out of the gate.

The second “sign” was my reading that day in My Utmost for His Highest. I nearly dropped the book as I read:

“We have no right to decide where we should be placed, or to have preconceived ideas as to what God is preparing us to do. God engineers everything; and wherever He places us, our one supreme goal should be to pour out our lives in wholehearted devotion to Him in that particular work. ‘Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with your might…’ (Eccl. 9:10).”

These, along with a general peace that this what God was leading me to do, was what led to me spending three years in a remote city in China and two years in the capital city of that province for full-time language school.

I will say that answering my “call” to China was a bit like an arranged marriage. I never had the fascination with China that I had with Africa and it certainly wasn’t love at first sight when I arrived on Chinese soil (I literally cried when I saw Africa for the first time from the air–not so much with China). My first few days in China I felt like we were just living in a Chinatown that never ended, with more smells assaulting me than I had ever experienced before.

But I distinctly remember a moment at the end of my first year there where I felt myself beginning to fall in love. It was as if God was urging me to go ahead and take the plunge and really be all there. So I did–I allowed myself to fall in love with China and her people and committed myself to being there however long the Lord wanted me there.

I’ll unpack a few of my thoughts regarding calling over the next few days, so be sure to check back in!

Was your call at all similar to mine? If you haven’t gone overseas, do you ever feel that God might be calling you to serve Him in another country?

~~~~~~

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This post is day 16 of the series “Re-entry: Reflections on Reverse Culture Shock,” a challenge I have taken to write for 31 days. Check out my other posts in the series:

Category: my story

Day 23: When the Nations Come to You {31 Days of Re-Entry}

Day 21: What I Took and What I Left Behind {31 Days of Re-Entry}

Day 20: Life Is Not Seasonal {31 Days of Re-Entry}

Day 18: And Then I Fell In Love {31 Days of Re-Entry}

Day 16: The Story of My “Call” {31 Days of Re-Entry}

Welcome to Scraping Raisins!