Category: diversity

I am a white girl in a white city and I would never identify myself as a racist, but how many people of other races would actually call me “friend”?

Until recently, my family lived in Chicago and our neighborhood reflected many colors, languages, sexual orientations and ages. Our apartment building housed a Muslim Indian family and two married lesbian couples. Nepalese women lounged on straw mats at the playground and moms wore hijabs and pushed children in strollers. We were often the only Caucasians at the grocery store as my son and I mingled with grannies who would pinch his cheeks and bless him in other languages. Over the years, I was a teacher in three different schools throughout the city: one was 100% African American, another was in Chinatown and a third was a magnet school with students of all races and socioeconomic backgrounds.

Diversity is what I miss most about living in Chicago.

But though we were exposed to the world’s flavors, colors, textures and sounds, I often felt like an imposter. Was I actually friends with anyone who looked different from me or spoke a different language from me? Had they been to my home or had I been to theirs?

Do we wear diversity as a badge, patting ourselves on the back for being racially diverse without actually entering into any relationships with people of other races and cultures? 

Living in a diverse city may feel hip, but brushing shoulders with someone is not the same as knowing them.

Diversity has become just a trendy word, often devoid of actual relationship.

This year, we moved to a city that is 93% white. Now, I’m wondering how to expose my children to diversity without accosting the first person of another race that we meet and begging them to be our friend.

So why is it so important to have friends that are different from us and how can we make them organically?

When we develop relationships beyond our color lines, the first wall to fall is fear. We fear what we do not know or understand. Personally, I had to overcome my fear of Muslims.   

In 2004, I volunteered to help a missionary family for the summer. I ended up having only one offer–in Tajikistan. I was terrified to go to a Muslim country that was near Afghanistan (won’t I get kidnapped?). But when I finally made the decision to go, my prejudice unraveled. The country was ruggedly beautiful, the culture was fascinating, and the Tajiks were kind, hospitable, and generous. And I quickly found that once I had relationships there, I no longer felt afraid.

Later, I lived for five years in a Muslim area of China, where I visited my students in their homes and shared meals with their families. Even now, when I meet visitors to the U.S. from other countries, I feel indebted to the kindness I experienced from my Muslim friends in China, and am quick to ask them how they are faring in America.

In 2013, I volunteered to help some Saudi Arabian college students practice their English. One of the girls, a devout Muslim, ended up living with us for a year. She ate with us, joined us on vacation and camping trips and babysat our children. She became a part of our family.

She visited us recently and over tortilla soup and bread, she told us how four of her female Saudi friends in four separate large cities have had individuals follow them and tear off their head-coverings (hijabs). She said she no longer wears hers because she’s petrified. This is our dear friend, who my children call “aunt,” so we were livid.

It made the injustice personal. 

Though my children have one person in their life who is of another race, she is the only one right now. And I’m ashamed of that. So how can parents of children living in predominantly homogeneous areas of the country ensure that we and our children form friendships with people who look different from us? 
 
For that to happen, we can’t just stay in the stream we are in, floating along and being swept by the current. We need to turn around and swim against the push. Or possibly, we need to jump out of the water all together and change streams.

One way is to intentionally live in diverse neighborhoods with diverse schools. We can also visit universities near us that have international students, many who will never set foot in an American’s home in all their years in America. Many cities have ESL classes with volunteer opportunities to help international students or immigrants practice English. Every city has enclaves of people who are different from us if we are willing to look.

When we develop relationships, the fear of the unfamiliar seeps away and is replaced by understanding. It is replaced by love. And if we are Christ-followers, we are called first to love God, then to love our neighbors. And we can’t love someone until we know them. 

These friendships change our perspective when we hear that another black teen has been shot, because we not only know of someone like him, we’ve had them in our homes and we’ve been to theirs. We have empathy because we no longer hear “single black male,” on the news, we hear “My friend, Justin, who plays video games with me and likes pepperoni pizza.” Or when we hear “Muslim man held under suspicion,” we think, “My good friend, Ahmed, with the belly laugh who likes to tell silly jokes.”

When our friends experience injustice, it gets very personal, very quickly. And though one friendship will not topple the tower of racism in our country, it will cause it to quake just a bit. 

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How many true friends do you have who are different from you?

If you are in a very white city, what do you do to ensure that your children are exposed to diversity?

Resources:
Why Christian Parenting Includes Talking to Your Kids about Race

This Shalom in the City podcast hosted by Osheta Moore with special guest, Megan Tietz, the host of the podcast, Sorta Awesome, who shares why she and her husband chose to send their children to failing schools on purpose. 

On Race, Rights & Raising a Black Son: An Interview with Rachel Yantis An interview with a friend about how her perception of race in our culture has changed now that she has to see the world through the eyes of her African American son.

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Today I want to introduce you to a friend of mine from Chicago, Rachel Yantis.  Rachel launched the business Like Me Like You Kids in 2015 with a vision to curate beautiful products that allow children of color to see themselves in the art, books and toys they interact with daily. She also hopes that children of all shades would grow up appreciating the gift of diversity. Rachel is married to her college sweetheart, Mike, and they are enjoying being parents after more than twenty years together!

 

It haunts me.

 

Why should I be given the benefit of the doubt in almost every situation because I am white and middle class? It’s hard to think about and I think most of us don’t want to.

 

The problem is that awareness of it requires change. It requires education. It requires advocacy. It requires courage.  Like any parent, I would do anything for my son so when there is even a hint of someone giving him a narrower glance because of race it sends me into a rage.

 

This happened recently on a trip and while somewhat prepared for it intellectually –  emotionally, I wasn’t. He is THREE years old. What could he possibly have done to inflict fear in a grown (white) adult?

 

Experiences like that prove that racism is real. And, it is terrifying. I should add that he has older siblings who do not live with us, so I actually have the opportunity almost weekly to be with him and his eighteen year old brother.

 

There’s no doubt that the world reacts differently to them and frankly, the processing of that is almost too painful to dive deep on.

3. What are some of your fears for your son’s future?

I suppose at a base level, many fears are the same as they would be if my son were white. I want him to be a godly man filled with character and living out the gifts God has given him – whatever those end up to be.

 

But, I think about safety. I think about mistaken identity. I think about stop-and-frisk. I think about the white umbrella and wonder how long he will be underneath it with us.

 

He is very emotionally intelligent so even beyond physical safety, I worry about his sweet spirit being injured in some way because of an encounter over race. I believe we are in a bit of a honeymoon phase right now. He is young, adorable, personable and has great hair (!!) – people want to be around him. But, he’s close to the age where he is going to (with my teaching and encouragement) tell people to stop petting his afro.

 

He will attend school and depending on where that is, we could begin to see the realities of educational inequities. I wonder if things will be blamed on being black rather than just regular ol’ bad decisions or lapses of judgment that all kids have.

 

I wonder when white women will begin to clutch their purses when he walks by. Will anyone ever cross the street to avoid walking by him? It is almost too much to bear.

 

I think beyond that and the obvious “driving while black” concerns, I wonder if our family will find the right community of support as a transracial family.

 

We really need the support of people who are able to see the complexity of us and who won’t wish away the racism that exists and that reality for our son as he navigates the world.

4. What resources have helped you as you parent a son who is a different race from you?

-Personal conversations are invaluable, of course. My friend, Leila, is also fantastic at forwarding me resources.

 

-I am reading books like: Between the World and Me, Honky, In Their Voices: Black Americans on Transracial Adoption, The Great Migration

 

-I follow blogs like: Rage Against the Minivan, Flower Patch Farmgirl, White Sugar Brown Sugar, A Musing Maralee, Dr. Brenda Salter McNeil, Black Girl in Maine, Austin Channing

 

-I follow the news for stories about race and get notifications from The New York Times on race-related stories.  

 

 

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You can find Rachel at www.likemelikeyoukids.com and on Instagram as likemelikeyoukids.  Visit here to shop for great gifts that reflect diversity and here to visit the Like Me Like You Kids blog for more thoughts on race and diversity.

 

We’d love to hear some of your thoughts and experiences in the comments.  Rachel will be available to respond!  



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Related: The Ugly Truth about Diversity

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