I really thought my life as a nearly 37-year-old would look very different from the way it actually looks today.
As a 20-year-old, let’s say, I envisioned my future self as living in another country, speaking another language and having a family with bi (or tri)-lingual children. I planned on raising them to love other cultures, attend local schools, eat ethnic foods and travel the world. We would possibly even live without plumbing. And my husband would be right there beside me–leading people to Christ and possibly even preaching or teaching in other languages. That’s how it was supposed to go.
And if I stayed single? (my plan B) I’d get my PhD and have lots of disciple “children” in another country, like Amy Carmichael, who was a single missionary in an orphanage in India for over 50 years.
Oh how God has a sense of humor.
Though I was on that very path, God U-turned my life six years ago to bring me back exactly where I started (or so I thought). And I found myself living a life I never dreamed I’d live: an “ordinary” one.
The crossroads of life have a catch. Once you pass them, you can never go back.
I recently listened to a podcast called Sorta Awesome that talked about saying goodbye to all of your potential yous that never came into existence. And I feel it’s time that I bid those other Leslies adieu.
Goodbye to the single Leslie who would change the world.
Goodbye to the Leslie who would marry someone of another race and have gorgeous bi-racial children.
Goodbye to the Leslie who would marry someone in full-time ministry.
Goodbye to the Leslie who would get a PhD studying an ethnic minority in northwest China.
Goodbye to the Leslie who would be a social worker (my first major).
Goodbye to the Leslie who would transform the inner city of Chicago through her badass teaching methods…think Dangerous Minds (I tried that, actually, and that Leslie didn’t materialize).
Goodbye to the Leslie with 6, 8 or 10 children (probably not biologically possible for me anymore), or the Leslie who would be the “mom of boys” or “mom of girls” (I have a boy and a girl).
Goodbye to the Leslie who would be a nurse (I got accepted to nursing school, but didn’t go).
Goodbye to what could have been.
Hello and welcome to what is. To what God has done, is doing and will do.
Thank God for the roads taken and the roads not taken. Because at every crossroads, He was there. He was pointing, guiding, urging, leading and holding my hand, whether I knew it or not.
Goodbye, fair Leslies. Those would have been good lives, too, were they what God had planned for me. It turns out He wanted me to be a teacher, live for a time in China, be single for a season, finally marry an actor in Chicago, have two adorable stinkers, move to Colorado and begin a little blog.
And “ordinary” is relative, after all. This Saturday night, I cooked dinner to James Taylor in the background, with my one-year-old daughter on my hip, helping me deliver cardamom, cumin, coriander and turmeric to the counter to make chickpea curry. Meanwhile, my sick husband was curled up with tea, a cozy blanket and a book at the kitchen table.
In the other room, our son played with our former Saudi Arabian exchange student, laughing and making trucks talk back and forth. My daughter got bored “cooking” and dove into the cardboard box in the living room that is our best new toy.
Earlier in the day, we all squashed into our Corolla to drive 45 minutes up into the snow-covered mountains to Rocky Mountain National Park, pausing on turn-outs for breath-catching views. We put the kids to bed after dinner and conversations about the intersections of Muslim and Christian theology and melted into the couch to watch a new British murder mystery T.V. series.
Yes, our life is ordinary. But ordinary is the way your foot eventually molds grooves into stiff shoes. It is the way a gorgeous new dress gradually becomes “you” and a natural part of your wardrobe. “Ordinary” for us does not look like “ordinary” for others. In fact, your “ordinary” may be very exotic to me, and vice versa. Ordinary is no longer a bad word to me.
Though I am not changing the world at a macro level, love, cultures, food, friends, laughter and challenges are happening at a micro level under my roof just as they would have had I found myself on another path. This is the Leslie that God intended to be. So I will stop turning to look back at those other Leslies that could have been and allow them to fade into the distance, granting them a fond, but firm farewell. I do not regret a single road taken. Though life is not as I expected, it is still pretty spectacular, even in all its ordinary-ness.
What about you? How does your life look different (so far) from what you had planned for yourself? How have you seen the grace in that? I’d love to read your stories in the comments!
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Linking up with #Wholemama and Me, Coffee, and Jesus and Grace and Truth and Velvet Ashes
Beautifully written and so pertinent for me. I often dwell on the fact that my life didn't turn out like I thought it would. I had ambitions first to be a doctor…then to have a stellar, corporate career …. I was well on my way to the latter when my health took a turn for the worse and I put that version of me to rest. I still mourn that vision of me but, like you said, I need to say goodbye to the other Casey's and hello to this one and to all God has done in my life to bring me to this point. Thanks for your insight!
I didn't focus on that, but I think you're right that we do need to go through a mourning or grieving process as we let go of our old visions of ourselves. But even writing this felt very healing for me in some ways, so you might want to try it as well! I'm sure I'll still look over my shoulder again, but it is helpful to put my former hopes into words and let them go and then actively give thanks for what is.
Hi Leslie! You're right, we absolutely were on the same wavelengths with our posts. It's a gift to be able to embrace what might still be while letting go of what never was–I love your imagery of "other Leslies." Thanks for stopping, I'm looking forward to connecting more with you through the #wholemama linkup! (And I'm in CO too!)
I love it when God uses other bloggers to highlight what He's already teaching me. It's kind of like a road sign that I'm on the right course!;-) Thanks for reading and sharing!
I can relate to very much of this. I grew up overseas and loved it–language and culture and education have always been so important to me–but then I decided I wanted to marry a nurse and I envisioned a normal old suburban life somewhere in America. And I thought I'd be okay with that–I thought I had to be okay with that because my husband was not an overseas kind of guy. Until the day he sent me an email saying that God had told him America wasn't our home anymore and he was going to drop out of his Nurse Practitioner Master's program. So, after a weird several years detour where I actually learned how to drive on the right side of the road and got all comfortable with normal American stuff, I'm back in a place that I thought would never open up to me again. And serving with the gifts I've been given in a place where the need is great–together with a husband who once swore he'd never learn another language because he thought Spanish and English were plenty. And we wonder why we even bothered making any long-term life plans anyways since God always seems to have better ideas.
Ha! I know, I write as if I'm 90 years old and my life is over, with no chance of it looking different from the way it does right now. I think it's a coping mechanism, really, so that I can be content where I am instead of looking for a different life. But I've heard a few stories like yours (and my falling in love story was similar in that I finally accepted that I'd be single forever only to turn around and fall in love) and it does give me hope. But if anything, it is a reminder that God can change our lives in a second if He wants to–even if that means changing the hearts of our husbands! But really, you can take Leslie out of China, but you can't take the China out of Leslie, so my family can't escape a bit of abnormality in our life! And who knows what the future holds?;-)
I found you via the peony project and I LOVE this post. What an interesting idea – to firmly say goodbye to all the other versions. I'm not even sure how many other versions of me there are – were – but I think telling them goodbye would be good for the real me. Thank you, thank you!
Yeah, just writing this was very therapeutic for me! It's a good exercise for contentment, I think;-) Feel free to write your own post along these lines–I'm sure your "would-be-selves" are very different from mine!
Great insight here Leslie! I found you via The Loft. And I best like where you say my ordinary may look exotic to you, and vice versa. That hits the nail on the head, because life is made up of ordinary days, with simple (often boring) moments. What makes them extraordinary is Who we live them for! And He always has perfect plans for our lives! By the way, greet the Rockies for us. We lived in Colorado for many years and loved it. It's spectacular!
Thanks so much for stopping by! And we are LOVING living near the mountains!
wow, I loved this. I might have to take a few minutes to write about the other 'erikas' and let them float away to be themselves while I simply be myself here. 🙂
Erika, Thanks for reading and I think you should definitely write about the other "erika's"! It was really helpful for me to do this!
Oh, Leslie, I feel as though you are speaking to me personally, right to my heart.
I am 23 and just returned from a mission trip to 11 countries in 11 months. Now, I am about to (Lord willing) become a flight attendant. I still have a strong desire for missionary service and always dreamed of church planting overseas with my (foreign or different ethnicity) husband and our six kids. I still dream of that, but I want to be surrendered to God's will for my life…surrender is SO hard. The struggle to trust is real and sometimes moment by moment for me. I wish we could talk more…China or at least the people of China has been on my heart lately.
Thank you for writing honestly and courageously. Thank you for being an example.
Lauren, I'm so glad this post resonated with you. It will be interesting to see what kind of post you would write 14 years from now about how you thought your life would go–I'm sure it would surprise you! You are at such a terrifying/exciting time of life. I'll pray for you that God does indeed lead you as you trust Him moment by moment. That's the best way to do it–one step at a time! And then you find yourself on paths (and in destinations) that only God Himself could have led you to. Feel free to contact me via email on my contact form if you ever want to!;-)
Leslie, thank you for linking your post to the Velvet Ashes discussion for this week! I am turning 30 in 3 weeks, and I've been reflecting a lot lately on the things that did happen and did not happen in my 20s. I really resonated with the concept of saying goodbye to those parts of me, those dreams, that didn't materialize and instead embracing what my life is right now. I think that will really help me as I continue to debrief and process this season. Thank you for sharing!
omigosh, Leslie, this is so, so good! "Goodbye to what could have been.
Hello and welcome to what is. To what God has done, is doing and will do.
Thank God for the roads taken and the roads not taken. Because at every crossroads, He was there. He was pointing, guiding, urging, leading and holding my hand, whether I knew it or not.
Goodbye, fair Leslies. Those would have been good lives, too, were they what God had planned for me. "
Yes, so many different dreams and roads and things we think we might do – I think we HAVE to dream all those dreams, in order to be available and open to what God wants to do – but then we have to let them go when God begins to say at the various forks in the roads "no, no, not that way, but this way…" There are so, so many things I could have seen myself doing, STILL see myself doing – that are beautiful and good things to do, but not (at least so far) what God has planned for me…and the dreams that HAVE turned out to be what God planned for me? NOT the way I imagined them! But so, so good – and I would not change my story, the Grace that God has given ME – for something else – it has all been more right than I could have planned.
Ordinary – I wrote a poem about ordinary when my kids were small – and the funny thing is I was in Russia, raising Russian children (we adopted) and yet feeling so ordinary because – life is life, making dinner and washing dishes and trying to get two small children in bed is…very ordinary – and yet – it's never ordinary, is it, no matter how it comes out…I love how you "say goodbye to the other Leslies" – I may have to try that…
Funny, how those of us who have served/serve overseas seem to be especially afraid of "what if I live an ordinary life." 🙂
wow this post hit home with me. I have a few "Springs" I need to say goodbye to and a few I need to decide if I should pursue. Thank you for putting it in such a down to earth way