I’m 36 years old and back at it again. Making friends never used to be a problem for me. I met my first best friend in preschool, managed to make friends as I changed schools five times from fourth to twelfth grade and even made some really solid post-college friendships. But that’s when I was in my 20’s–and single.
When I got married at 31, my former college friends and roommates still lived in the same city as me, so I wasn’t desperate for new relationships, but as they all eventually began to move away, I found myself alone again.
When I was pregnant, I decided to start “friend dating.” I picked out a few acquaintances who were close to my due date to meet for coffee, but it felt forced and unnatural and nothing more came of those relationships.
I assumed having children would usher me into the “mom crowd” I had been so in awe of as a single woman, but was soon disappointed to find that two moms talking at the park usually goes about as deep as two dog owners chatting at a dog park. If anything, having kids complicated rather than simplified matters because not only did the mom and I have to click, but so did our kids AND our parenting styles. Add in child number two, and you begin facing impossible odds.
This April, we made a cross-country move and I have been determined to make friends. About a month after moving here, my son hit it off with another boy at the park. His mom, who was carrying a baby about the age of my daughter, and I had a long conversation. At the end of it, I took a deep breath and gave her my phone number. We have gotten together about twice a month since then and, though I would call her my friend, it feels like we have just reached the point that I had already reached after just one week of living in the dorm with my college friends.
My husband (as has been the case with my friends’ husbands as well) has had an even harder time than me since he works from home and has little interaction with others.
Sex and Netflix are our evenings right now (though not usually at the same time). But contrary to Hollywood thought, we have discovered that we cannot complete one another. Though God and our family are first priority, we also need other relationships to be healthy. We have actually found that my meeting and expressing my “many words” with a girlfriend helps our marriage, as my husband is okay with the more condensed version of my thoughts.
This summer (in an attempt to make friends), I joined a study on a book that actually sounded pretty lame to me at first, called The Friendships of Women. To my surprise, this updated version of a book first written in 1988, by Dee Brestin, put words to so many of my unexpressed desires for female friendships. She writes about how most women have a gift for intimacy that men just don’t have.
“When I talk to my closest female friends, I feel my soul being sunned and watered when they ask questions, drawing out the deep waters of my soul, and as well when they empathize, rejoicing when I rejoice, weeping when I weep” (p. 29).
Women are designed for intimacy. This is why two women can reach a level of friendship in months that it takes men years to attain (and even then it may never reach that level).
As women, we need other women.
“Friendship is unnecessary: like philosophy, like art, like the universe itself (for God did not need to create). It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things which give value to survival” (C.S. Lewis The Four Loves).
I am writing this post mainly to convince myself that I actually do need female friends, because I have been wondering if I am expecting too much at this stage of my life, which Madeleine L’Engle calls “the tired years.” But how to find them?
In 2012, the New York Times published an article called “Friends of a Certain Age,” about the difficulties of making friends after the age of 30. The author mentions that sociologists consider three conditions important in making intimate friends:
1. Proximity
2. Repeated, unplanned interactions
3. A setting that encourages people to let down their guard and confide in one another
All three of these conditions are easily met in college and in the work place (especially when you are single), but what about when you work from home or have a family? Marriage and family are a time suck (in the best sense of the word) and there just isn’t a lot of down time to shoot the breeze with potential new friends.
In theory, I believe religious communities have an advantage over secular communities in this regard because they attend weekly services where all of the above can happen. And yet my husband and I have struggled with this as well–maybe because we don’t often see other people at church more than Sunday mornings, so we really don’t have the “unplanned interactions”? Or maybe the setting is actually not conducive to people “letting down their guard and confiding in one another”? Or maybe Christians actually just have unrealistically high expectations after reading the Acts passages about believers sharing all things in common, eating together, praying together and exemplifying what seems like amazing community?
C.S. Lewis in The Four Loves said that, “Friendship is born at the moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one.'” A lovely sentiment, and yet just as the birth of a child is not simple, neither is the birth of a friendship. (Am I sounding like a jaded 30-something yet?) So far, just being able to relate to someone has not led to the intimate friendships I desire, because we have not had the benefits of proximity, unplanned interactions or a safe setting.
We have only recently settled on a church and joined a small group, so maybe the awkward asking-of-phone-numbers-in-random-parks can come to an end. We have actually been invited to someone’s house for dinner for the first time in seven months and was just asked to celebrate Thanksgiving with another family.
So there is hope.
What about you? Please leave your words of wisdom in the comments, I will definitely take them to heart.
Related:
White People Are Boring
When I Forget to Notice People
Linking up with Literacy Musing Mondays
You're next to me at the Literaracy Monday linkup. As a single 37 old, I can relate to so much of your post. I'm fortunate to have made some incredible friends. I'll be your friend too!!
Hi, thanks for linking up with us at Literacy Musing Mondays, although I found you on the 31 Days Survivors Facebook group. I was going to suggest you link up with us because of your discussion of the book. Sounds wonderful. There is a another women's friend book out that I just saw on review lists. I didn't request it though. It is Heart Sister: Being the Friend You Want to Have. I am an older mom. I had my daughter at age 35; so, my daughter's friends' moms are up to 10 years younger than me which complicates things even more. I have found that I may have to find a friend that is not a mom? I feel I have a lot of virtual friends, but not close friends whom I can see in person. I am praying for a break through this year on that front though. Thanks for sharing on this issue. it really resonates with me.
I think friendship can be hard at different stages of life. I am only slightly older than 30 😉 but I can relate. I long to have close friendships as well, but working full time, 2 teenagers at home who don't drive yet, a busy ministry and owning a business, it is hard to find the time to invest in close friendships. I know a lot of people, but am not close friends with very many. I have also tried to become closer with some, but it was not reciprocated. So that was a bummer, and made me not want to reach out again. It definitely takes intentional effort to develop friendships. –It has been easier for me to try and find and invite other couples to do something, so my husband and I have 'couple' friends, but I would still like to have close women friends. –So, like Tara, I will be your friend too. 😃
At forty, this has not been my experience. Please be gentle and patient with yourself and remember that life is seasonal and cyclical. Stay open to do the ways God can use quiet, mundane moments to bring you what you need. Thanks for sharing your vulnerability. As a newly divorced woman, evenings of sex and Netflix sound pretty much perfect. A friend told me recently, "Love the life you have right now." That's been helpful advice for me in other areas of life. Best of luck at church and your small group.
I don't have much wisdom on this topic–I'm an introvert and am completley content to have my best friend be my husband and my second best friends to be my daughters (who are 21 and 22). I have a few friends who live far away, but we don't stay in constant contact–we just pick up wherever we left off the last time we saw each other. I have found that whenever I AM a friend to others, they usually reciprocate.
I had a major friend freak out when I finished grad school and moved away from my "college town." I had no idea how to make friends post-college/grad school. I felt like those days of instantaneous friendships were over. What a growing experience it has been even though I am single and still in my 20s (for a couple more years at least). One nugget of wisdom I will share that I have learned/gained just in the last year is that it isn't necessary to limit our friendships to those who are in the same stage of life as we are. I always thought that I could only make deep friendships with those who were single like me, because that had been my experience in college when friends got married and had kids. I felt like we had nothing in common and just naturally drifted apart. BUT all that to say, I have recently developed a strong and deep friendship with someone who is married with three kids. It has been so refreshing to be able to break down those friendship barriers and just support each other in our different life stages. Just something that I am learning and benefiting from these days.
Thanks so much for reading! And I can use all the friends I can get;-)
Mary, I saw that you had posted the linkup right below me, so that's what gave me the idea:-) You should definitely check out the book I mentioned! And I had my kids at 33 and 35 as well, though I lived in Chicago and I feel like most of the moms were also in their 30's. Now that we've moved to a smaller town, I am finding that I'm definitely not in the "young mom" category. Older and wiser, right? Thanks so much for reading and sharing your wisdom on this topic!
Thanks for sharing some of your experience! I definitely understand reaching out and not having it be reciprocated. I'm trying not to let that stop me from continuing to pursue relationships, but it does start to make me less motivated. Maybe we need to put some more effort in the couple friend route at this season of our lives! Thanks for reading–and being my friend:-)
I've been thinking about your comment all day and the quote from your friend. Thanks for the reminders–and for putting the evenings I take for granted into perspective. I needed that:-)
Thanks for your input! My mom is actually probably my best friend as well! I'm glad you have a close relationship with your daughters! Thanks for commenting!
Jenna, Thank you so much for sharing. I think you are SO right that I need to branch out. Like you have found, when I was single I also found that married women (like me now) were just as open to friendships as some single women were–especially once we were all out of college and more engrossed in our careers. Thank you for this reminder–now my radar will be on to look some friendships outside of just my peer group!
The line "sex and Netflix" made me crack up and then I read through the comments and see Julie Steele's comment and I cracked up again!!! It's all relative, amen? Great post and I do hope there are some solid friendships on the horizon for you SOON!
I actually put that in there as a joke for my husband as he did his usual pre-publish edit and he made me leave it in there! Ah well, I guess the secret is out. I have sex. 😉
Firstly, I love the name of your blog. Very clever and I can just picture the crusty last raisins sticking together and not wanting to come out… 🙂
Secondly, I am recently married and learning about how to make and maintain friendships after being married. This has been an interesting new dynamic. I feel I need my other friends less than I used to, but I still really desire to keep up the friendships. I think the three points you listed really do start most friendships, as I find if I don't live near someone, and we don't both make a concerted effort to keep in touch, the relationship doesn't continue. I also agree that unplanned interactions are really nice – I really like bumping into someone we know downtown, etc. At this point in my life, I've moved so many times, and I'm trying to learn which friends I should invest in keeping in touch with, which ones I should be OK to let go, and how much time to invest in far-away friends vs nearby ones. I think we need both. 🙂
Anyway, enjoyed reading this – thanks for the raisins! 😉
The best advice I have received on friendship was from my Dad, who told me, when I was younger and frustrated with a friend who was a lot of fun but who I felt didn't have my back for the deeper stuff, that we have to value our friends for what they bring to the table, to be willing to start very small. You might have the casual "meet at the park" friend, and the "mom friend", and the "advice" friend, but not all in one friend. Over time though these relationships can take on new dimensions, and I have found this to be true again and again. A friend who started as my somewhat superficial "sit next to me in class and talk about guys" college friendship, became one of my very dearest who fifteen years later is like a sister to me, and is one of my In Case Of Emergency people. Sometimes we have to just keep showing up and see what sticks, maybe, even if it seems unlikely or awkward at first?
Julie, Glad to hear some of your struggles as well. Lately, I've found that I'm letting go of the friends that have let go of me. It's hard to be the only one hanging on! But I think social media has redefined "friendship," and I'm still trying to figure out what that looks like in my life. Maybe some more posts in the future on this topic, so stay tuned.
Great advice! I think that's the thing–we never really know how friendships will evolve over time, so we need to be okay with starting small and friendships being what they are in that particular moment. I've been thankful for YOUR friendship–made in my 30's! Thanks for reading and commenting!:-)
This is a struggle that nobody talks about! I was blessed to have my husband right out of college, and together we made couple friends at church pretty easily. Those friends are still some of our closest friends today. But when they all started having babies and we struggled with infertility, it was hard for a while. Then we finally did have kids, and I was able to pick back up with those friends, but the newborn and toddler years were tough again. My circle of friends ended up doing a playgroup more to see each other, as we were all stay at home moms in need of some adult interaction. We moved into a different community (only 20 minutes away) about five years ago when my boys were toddlers and I found it really hard to make new friends in the area, and at the new campus of our church that we had switched to since it was closer to our new home. I was surprised that I couldn't meet anyone at church! We finally decided that it was so hard because all we had time for at church was chasing our kids around, which makes it really hard to stop and chat with someone. A small group helped for sure, and as our kids got older everything got easier. 🙂 So hang in there. You're really in one of the hardest stages right now. Maybe there's a women's study you could join that has childcare available? I've found that I've really resonated with some older women that way too, and I love their wisdom. They also usually have more free time to be able to make a get together work! Good luck to you. It's hard and it takes time, but you'll get there!
There is hope :).
'We have actually found that my meeting and expressing my "many words" with a girlfriend helps our marriage, as my husband is okay with the more condensed version of my thoughts.' So it's not just my husband who likes condensed.